Positivity, Physics, and Preparations

You know, often times I don't really understand myself, why I do the things I do, or even a lot of the time, what I think. I mean, I suppose that's what a big part of the journey is all about right, getting to know who we are a little better, but sometimes I'm shocked by how little of myself I really seem to know. And how much I don't realize.

So I'm at the gym today, and I forgot my mp3 player, but I had headphones, so I was watching the travel channel while I worked out, and it was this treasure hunting show with some random chick, and the whole time I was watching it I just kept thinking how unbelievably annoying she was. It seemed like every single thing she said was a complaint, and they weren't like really complaints, more just like pointing out what could be better in the situation, and I just kept thinking that it was really obnoxious and you could tell the people with her were starting to get annoying, so I spent over an hour thinking she was dumb. It wasn't until I left and was walking home that a few things started to click for me. I began to realize that a lot of the time, probably most of the time if I am being honest with myself, I am exactly like that. I am usually pretty quick to point out what could be better in a situation, and my mom is always telling me that I need to be more positive, and while I agreed with her that I probably should try a little harder not to be negative, I never really realized how extremely annoying it really can be, and how exhausting. Just that little thing really does wear on you, after only an hour of an otherwise fascinating show I was completely sick of it just because of that lady's attitude. I never really understood how much of an effect that can have on people. So from now on, I'm going to try harder to only find the good in situations, and not try to point out what could be better. I'm going to take my mom's advice and try harder to be positive, so if you are around me and I'm being negative, please feel free to point it out so I can work on being better.

On another note, holy cow, I'm starting to get super stressed. I'm down to one day left to study for my physics final, and I really just don't feel ready for it, but I also don't think that I ever will feel ready for it, so that is no good. I have done a lot of studying, and I really hope it's enough, but I can't really say. I just need to get a 75% on the test and I think I can do it, so I guess we will have to see. I'm pretty excited for it to be over with though. I have had a good semester, but after this I will never have to take another physics class again!!! I am so excited I could seriously cry, but I think I'll reserve that until after I take the final and ace it (hopefully). After that final is over that it is time to start preparing for my other three finals, which I haven't really even started doing, but I'm not terribly worried. I will do fine on them after I no longer have the stress of physics anymore.

So only one more week and a couple of days and then it's homeward bound for me. I'm actually really excited. I have big plans for this summer and things will be good. I'm excited to finally get myself into tip top shape, although I'm sure I won't always enjoy it, I really am excited. I plan to go to the gym with my dad every morning, after a few days to sleep in of course, because that's really early, and then a couple days a week I also am going to take Jack running, which should be pretty fun. I may be taking horse riding lessons with Sarah Beth too, I will have to see about cost first though, and it looks like, unless I hear from the Tennessee program that I got in then I will be working at Arby's, which I'm actually surprisingly okay with. And so now I am studying and packing, and that's going well, even though I have way too much stuff... So this was a long winded post, that didn't say much and I'm exhausted so it's time for sleep.

Biggest Loser, Bull Crap, and Skinny Jeans?

So I don't even know that anyone reads these posts, and I guess it really doesn't matter because I am writing more for my benefit than for anyone else's. I enjoy this quite a bit, which kinda surprises me, which is probably why I have posted quite a bit of random posts which I'm not sure say very much of consequence, oh well...

My families biggest loser competition is ending this next week, and I'm behind my sister by several pounds and I'm pretty sure I won't catch up, although that isn't going to stop me from trying... This summer though, I am going to get into shape. I'm going to do it. I'm going to run the snow canyon half marathon in the fall, I'll be ready for it this time!! I am so utterly and completely sick of saying, "as soon as I get skinny again that would fit me" and "I can't wait until I get skinny again so I can wear that outfit again." Screw that, I'm so done with it. It's about time for the talk to be over. It is time for action. It's time to be wearing that cute outfit and buying clothes that I really like that fit me cute. It's time to stop being embarrassed because I'm overweight and it's time to become the right weight. It's time to change. I've made little starts here and there, but I never stick with it. This time I am going to. Maybe this sounds weird and all, but it's one of my biggest wishes to be skinny by the time that Josh gets home from his mission. So I have exactly one year and one week to do so. So ready or not, it's time to say goodbye to all that ridiculous extra fat and weight, and hello to a brand new me who has never looked more fantastic.

Puppies, Possiblities, and MS Walk

So the M.S. walk was today in Salt Lake, that was fun. I was volunteering and that was pretty interesting. I ended up with the oddest assignment though. I had to go wander around and ask people if they got the emails and if they didn't ask if they wanted to sign up for them. Well it wasn't an awful task, it's not something that I would usually want to do, but truth be told it is probably extremely good for me to do stuff like that. I'm not very good at talking to people that I don't know or approaching people, so that was probably good for me. Didn't get a ton of people to sign up though...oh well.

I have to say though I'm not sure that the atmosphere was the best for me though, there was massive amounts of people with their dogs and it was killing me. I want one so bad!!! And then to make matters even worse, there was a girl that had a Great Dane there!! Holy cow!! I want a Great Dane so bad. It was so awesome and huge and gorgeous!! And holy cow, now I want a dog so bad, I wanted one before but now it's like crazy. I wish that I could get an apartment or a house where I could have one. I'd say so I could take Jack to live with me, but I don't know, I think I would feel bad to take him away from my parents huge yard, and of course Magnum. But it doesn't really matter now I guess because I can't have one yet.

It made me start thinking though. I think that if I end up living at home over the summer, which right now that's looking like it is the plan, then I am going to start taking Jack on runs with me, because I need to make sure I go on lots of runs and get myself in better shape and I think it would be a lot of fun to take him too. I think he would love me spending time with him as well once I get him a little more leash ready and in a little bit better shape probably. I probably wouldn't be able to take magnum though, which is too sad, but she is getting rather old and stiff, I'll feel bad leaving her home while I take Jack out though...I guess I'll have to occasionally take her on walks to.

So as I mentioned above I am pretty sure I'm moving home, although I just applied for a bunch of jobs in Salt Lake and I guess we'll see if I end up with any of them in the next few weeks, I wish I would have looked on work force services a while ago looking for a job, but you know....I am still waiting to hear about Tennessee, and I'm really hoping I get it because that would be perfect and a fantastic experience that I would never be able to get again, all expense paid trip to live in Knoxville for two months, I hope so. We'll have to see I guess, I should be finding out really soon though. Any day now. I am guessing that if I didn't get it then I will probably end up working at Arby's in Cedar for the summer, which though not my favorite option, or ideal, will work just fine, and I'd make enough money to survive. I do have one more possibility for Salt Lake other than the random jobs I applied for though. I spoke to the pharmacy at Walmart and they said that they may have an opening coming up here really soon to become a pharmacy technician, which I would really like to do, so if they do and I can land the job that would be fantastic!! The only problem though is that it may possibly be an unpaid externship, which I don't know. I would love to take the opportunity to get certified, but I'm not sure if I can afford to stay up here without a job...I also was kinda looking forward to moving home and getting to spend time with my family and running with Jack, but it also would be great to stay up here as well...I guess we'll have to wait and see won't we. Well I guess that's all for now....

Emotions, Endorphins, and Summer Plans

Well, so this week has been a pretty rough week for me. I hit an emotional low yesterday, the lowest I've been in quite some time. I don't exactly know why, it just seems that things aren't going my way. I guess that's the problem when you turn your life to God and tell him that you're willing to do whatever is right for you and so if he'll show you the way you'll take it. Unfortunately his way doesn't always agree entirely with what I was hoping was the way I was headed. And sometimes that is a little hard to have to take, but I trust him, and I know it will work out like it is suppose to. That being said, I am pretty sure that I didn't get the Pharmacy Job that I was hoping for, which is too bad because I really wanted it, but I guess if it's not right then it's not right and something else will come up instead. I also didn't get the on campus job, which truth be told I'm kind of relieved about that. Which means it's pretty much settled what I'm doing this summer, though not entirely. Unless I get offered a job in the next two weeks then I will be moving back home again for the summer and try to find a job down there, which is good I guess. I'm excited to be going home but finding a job will not be enjoyable. There is still the possibility that I got the job in Tennessee, which means I'll live at home for part of the summer and in Knoxville, Tennessee for part. I should hear about it in the next two days. I really hope I get it because that would be a crazy good experience, but I guess we'll have to see.

I have also been super stressed out with school and finals week coming up that I have been feeling maybe a little overwhelmed, and I'm broke, which makes me stressed out even more. I know that I really should go work out and that would help me manage the stress but I think I maybe caught a stomach bug or something because I have been sick to my stomach and had a migraine for the last week, which is rather unfortunate, then my visiting teachers totally stood me up. That was annoying too. But guess what, I'm pretty sure that I have started doing a little better at overcoming my blues of yesterday. I went for a run today in the rain, and although it was relatively short, it was pretty enjoyable and just that short amount of physical activity really kicked my endorphins in and I feel significantly less stressed already, so that is very good. I just need to stick it out for the next few weeks and I'll be fine. Things will work out for the best.

Smiles, Simple things, and Happiness

Today I'm being grateful for the simple things in life. For the fact that my apartment is clean and it didn't take very long to do. The fact that the sun is shining and I got to spend some time outside where it was warm. The fact that I finally found some new running shorts that I really like, which I have been looking for forever. The fact that my car has been getting even better gas mileage ever since my dad spent some time working on it. The fact that school is almost over for this semester and I will never have to take a physics class again. The fact that my apartment now has air conditioning. And really yeah, today is just overall a pretty awesome day and I'm just happy to be alive.


I still don't know what my plans for the summer are yet, which is a little stressful considering there is only 20 days left before I really need to know....but I should hopefully be finding out this next week what the plan is. And hopefully I get this job in the pharmacy I applied for because it would be absolutely perfect for me and great experience to decide for sure what I want to do with my life. I guess we'll have to wait and see.

Books, Bores, and Must Reads

So this is Newsweek's top 100 books list from 2009, so I decided that I would put it here, and undertake reading all of them. I guess I can X them when I read them...or something like that... or bold and purple... Apparently I have a lot of reading to do... 11/100, not a whole lot there...

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1. War and Peace - Leo Tolstoy 1869
2. 1984 - George Orwell 1949
3. Ulysses - James Joyce 1922
4. Lolita - Vladimir Nabokov 1955
5. The Sound and the Fury The Sound and the Fury - William Faulkner 1929
6. Invisible Man Invisible Man - Ralph Ellison 1952
7. To the Lighthouse - Virginia Woolf 1927
8. The Illiad and The Odyssey - Homer 8th century B.C.
9. Pride and Prejudice - Jane Austen 1813
10. Divine Comedy - Dante Alighieri 1321
11. Canterbury Tales - Geoffrey Chaucer 15th century
12. Gulliver's Travels - Jonathan Swift 1726
13. Middlemarch - George Eliot 1874
14. Things Fall Apart - Chinua Achebe 1958
15. The Catcher in the Rye - J. D. Salinger 1951
16. Gone with the Wind - Margaret Mitchell 1936
17. One Hundred Years of Solitude - Gabriel Garcia Marquez 1967
18. The Great Gatsby - F. Scott Fitzgerald 1925
19. Catch-22 - Joseph Heller 1961
20. Beloved - Toni Morrison 1987
21. The Grapes of Wrath - John Steinbeck 1939
22. Midnight's Children - Salman Rushdie 1981
23. Brave New World - Aldous Huxley 1932
24. Mrs. Dalloway - Virginia Woolf 1925
25. Native Son - Richard Wright 1940
26. Democracy in America - Alexis de Tocqueville 1835
27. Origin of Species - Charles Darwin 1859
28. The Histories - Herodotus 440 B.C.
29. The Social Contract - Jean-Jacques Rousseau 1762
30. Das Kapital Karl Marx 1867
31. The Prince - Niccolo Machiavelli 1532
32. Confessions - St. Augustine 4th century
33. Leviathan - Thomas Hobbes 1651
34. The History of the Peloponnesian War Thucydides 431 B.C.
35. The Lord of the Rings - J. R. R. Tolkien 1954
36. Winnie-the-Pooh - A. A. Milne 1926
37. The Lion, the Witch and the Wardrobe - C. S. Lewis 1950
38. A Passage to India - E. M. Forster 1924
39. On the Road - Jack Kerouac 1957
40. To Kill a Mockingbird - Harper Lee 1960
41. The Holy Bible. Revised Standard Version. NA
42. A Clockwork Orange - Anthony Burgess 1962
43. Light in August Light in August - William Faulkner 1932
44. The Souls of Black Folk - W. E. B. Du Bois 1903
45. Wide Sargasso Sea - Jean Rhys 1966
46. Madame Bovary - Gustave Flaubert 1857
47. Paradise Lost - John Milton 1667
48. Anna Karenina - Leo Tolstoy 1877
49. Hamlet - William Shakespeare 1603
50. King Lear - William Shakespeare 1608
51. Othello - William Shakespeare 1622
52. Sonnets - William Shakespeare 1609
53. Leaves of Grass - Walt Whitman 1855
54. The Adventures of Huckleberry Finn - Mark Twain 1885
55. Kim - Rudyard Kipling 1901
56. Frankenstein - Mary Shelley 1818
57. Song of Solomon - Toni Morrison 1977
58. One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest - Ken Kesey 1962
59. For Whom the Bell Tolls - Ernest Hemingway 1940
60. Slaughterhouse-Five - Kurt Vonnegut 1969
61. Animal Farm - George Orwell 1945
62. Lord of the Flies - William Golding 1954
63. In Cold Blood - Truman Capote 1965Ž
64. The Golden Notebook - Doris Lessing 1962
65. Remembrance of Things Past - Marcel Proust 1913
66. The Big Sleep - Raymond Chandler 1939
67. As I Lay Dying - William Faulkner 1930
68. The Sun Also Rises - Ernest Hemingway 1926
69. I, Claudius - Robert Graves 1934
70. The Heart is a Lonely Hunter - Carson McCullers 1940
71. Sons and Lovers - D. H. Lawrence 1913
72. All the King's Men - Robert Penn Warren 1946
73. Go Tell It on the Mountain - James Baldwin 1953
74. Charlotte's Web - E. B. White 1952
75. Heart of Darkness - Joseph Conrad 1902
76. Night - Elie Wiesel 1958
77. Rabbit, Run - John Updike 1960
78. The Age of Innocence - Edith Wharton 1920
79. Portnoy's Complaint - Philip Roth 1969
80. An American Tragedy - Theodore Dreiser 1925
81. The Day of the Locust - Nathanael West 1939
82. Tropic of Cancer - Henry Miller 1934
83. The Maltese Falcon - Dashiell Hammett 1930
84. His Dark Materials - Philip Pullman 1995
85. Death Comes for the Archbishop - Willa Cather 1927
86. The Interpretation of Dreams - Sigmund Freud 1900
87. The Education of Henry Adams - Henry Adams 1918
88. Quotations from Chairman Mao - Mao Zedong 1964
89. The Varieties of Religious Experience: A Study in Human Nature - William James 1902
90. Brideshead Revisited Brideshead Revisited Evelyn Waugh 1945
91. Silent Spring - Rachel Carson 1962
92. The General Theory of Employment, Interest, and Money - John Maynard Keynes 1936
93. Lord Jim - Joseph Conrad 1900
94. Goodbye to All That - Robert Graves 1929
95. The Affluent Society - John Kenneth Galbraith 1958
96. The Wind in the Willows - Kenneth Grahame 1908
97. The Autobiography of Malcolm X - Alex Haley and Malcolm X 1965
98. Eminent Victorians - Lytton Strachey 1918
99. The Color Purple - Alice Walker 1982
100. The Second World War (The Gathering Storm; Their Finest Hour; The Grand Alliance; The Hinge of Fate; - Winston Churchill 1948

Going Home, Getting Love, and Doing Better

Whoever it was that said you can't go home again obviously never met my family. Going back home is like refreshing my whole body, mind, and soul. It makes me recommit to things I had forgotten about, makes me remember why I am where I am, and reminds me that I always have supporters who love and care about me more than I'll remember, and who have more faith in me and believe in me more than I ever will believe in myself.

I love visiting home. I love everything about it. I love walking in my parents room first thing and seeing the cats stretched out in the sun, kissing Vernie's little head and listening to her purr so loud it sounds like her motors going to come right out. I love it how my sister always wants to hang out with me but we can never think of anything to do, and so instead usually end up shopping even though I hate to shop. I love it how Jack sees my car pull up and runs to the gate, then the fact that I can hear him whining all the way into the house. I love it how it never fails that someone in the morning will open the door, ask if the horses and hungry, and when they whinny letting it be known that they in fact are, whoever is at the door shuts it and tells someone else to go feed them. I love driving my grandparents around and then having to fight my grandma so that she won't buy me a bunch of stuff that I really don't need. I love how my dad always asks when I'm on the way home what I might want to eat, or when he doesn't ask instead he just cooks my favorite meals for me. I love watching my little brother and my mom interact, don't ask me why, but they just make me laugh, my little brother walking in the house and my mom saying, Jake, where have you been? I love it how my sister always gets mad that I have to leave, and tells me that I should stay. I love watching the cats chase each other through the house. I love how my dad is so obsessed with exercise and vegetables and the whole time I'm home I get to hear about how many vegetables I should be eating. I love it how my sister is such a spaz, and sends me random letters, she's the only person I know who would dye the cats with easter egg dye. And there is so much more!! I miss being able to be around, and I'm really excited for the day I can move back to Cedar and get to visit home much more often.

Anyway, so other than that, life is good. I'm still pretty stressed and I did horrible on my physics test, which is depressing, but I'm sort of back on the wagon some and have started to get more caught up with homework, and also with going back to the gym. Hopefully biggest loser results will be better this week and I can kick my sister's trash for the next four weeks and win. There are only 24 more days before school is over for this semester and only 18 more days until I never have to think about physics again!! I can't wait.

Monsters, Missed, and Loneliness

Wow, so this week has been quite the week, riddled with stress, lack of motivation, disappointments, and two little monsters who seem to be my constant companions lately. One of them, which I mentioned before is that green little devil, that never goes away. It seems to have it's claws so deep in my flesh that I can't seem to shake it off. Especially this time around. That whole stupid boyfriend marriage thing. I'm just feeling like everything that happens just pushes me towards feeling it even more and more, it's like since it now has it's claws into me it's growing roots and strengthening it's hold on me. It's absolutely miserable. I don't like it one bit. The other little monster that we seem incapable of getting rid of is loneliness. I really need to break out and meet more people. I miss having someone to talk to all the time. It's rough having Josh gone. He's been one of my best friends for so long. I felt like I could tell him everything and now it's just not the same. I know that he's doing exactly what he needs to be, and that it is so extremely important that I can't be upset with him being gone, but I also can't write to him anything that I really think, because I don't want to distract him from what he is doing, because I know it's so important. But with him being so far away, and so busy I can't even write to him about anything really, because I only hear from him every other month. Which is hard. I used to talk to him every day even when I lived up here and he was in Cedar. Oh well I guess, there isn't much I can do about it now. He's been gone for almost a year now so I guess it's really not that long until he gets home. And then that will be different and we'll see what happens from there. I guess that's all for now. I don't know about this blogging stuff still, I am never sure what I am suppose to write and what is too personal, but I don't think it really matters. The rest of this week is going to be pretty stressful so I should go and study.

Beginnings, Bernie, and Silly Family

So my sister has had a blog for quite a while now, and just randomly I have read a few blogs posted by other people, and I decided, heck, why not try it out. I've never blogged before, and I'm not sure whether or not I will like it. I'm sure that some of the stuff I post will seem silly to most people, but that's okay.

Anyway, so I guess I will just jump right in. Today is easter, and it's a kind of interesting year for it, simply because I am doing absolutely nothing spectacular. Last year I went to my brother's house, and every year before that I was of course at home. But not this year, so that's a little different. It still has been a good day, but I have to say, I really kinda miss my family. Or rather I miss just being close to home. Like this morning I got a bunch of texts from my mom and sister with pictures about how they dyed the cats different colors, which is pretty awesome. I wish I could be there and join in on the fun, instead of sitting in my apartment all day doing homework.

I think I'm probably just feeling a little sorry for myself today. I'm not entirely sure why. I just am so ready for something different in my life then where I'm at right now. Like pretty much everyone I went to high school with, well probably not everyone, but a lot of the are all either getting married or are already married and are having kids now. And I have to admit that I am pretty jealous. I always say that I don't have time for a boyfriend, and the truth is that I probably don't, but at the same time, I would like to go on some dates occasionally, and possibly feel like I'm moving somewhere in my life. I'm just stuck waiting in every aspect. Waiting for something to happen. I know it shouldn't really be that way, but it really kinda feels like it is, I just need something different. The truth of the matter is, what I need to do most, is get back into going to the gym everyday. it's hard to feel sorry for yourself after working out hard everyday. I just can't seem to find that motivation. I would really like to get into great shape and run a marathon, but I just can't seem to make myself do it. I will though. I have five weeks before my families biggest loser is over and so that's five weeks to get my act together and win the thing. I can do it, and that also means only five more weeks of this semester!! I'm pretty excited to be done with physics. I just wish I knew what I was doing this summer. But it will all work out how it's suppose to I suppose. Having that little bit of faith is killer. That whole faith in the Lord's timing has to be one of the hardest things to do, but I am working on it.