Engaged, Eve, and the Rest of Forever

So, it has been a little while since I have updated, and I know I need to get on the ball with that a little. Just in the hustle and bustle that is life I have kinda of forgotten about this blog a little. Life is basically amazing. As most of you probably know, I just got engaged last Saturday. A week ago today. It's weird that it was only a week ago, in some ways it feels like I have been for a long time. It is just strange because I really just feel like this is what my life was always meant to be. Like everything before him was just a dream and didn't really exist. I never in a million years would have guess that I would be engaged to someone only three months after I started dating them. But he proposed to me exactly three months after our first date, and I've never been happier or more excited to say yes to something in my entire life. People keep asking how he asked me, so I will tell you too. It was fairly simple, which I'm glad about. He talked to my parents the week before (I know right, what an adorable guy), which I didn't know that he had done, and then came up to Salt Lake to visit me. We went to the temple that morning to do baptisms, and I had absolutely no idea what he was planning, it was actually pretty funny. In the confirmation room the temple workers asked if we were married. We told them not yet, so they asked if we were engaged. Colton said no, and I joking said, "No, someone has to get on the ball and actually ask me..." totally just kidding, with no idea what was coming, and spent the rest of the time in the temple reminding myself later to tell him that I was just kidding and that I hoped he didn't feel like I was pressuring him into asking me before he wanted to. It's also really funny because we ended up in the middle of a rather large youth group doing baptisms so we were there for awhile, while I was just enjoying being in the temple, he was dying. He said he didn't think it was ever going to end, and then he had to wait even longer for me to get ready after baptisms, while he paced the hallway like crazy. But he says when he saw me come out of the dressing room and down the stairs his heart leaped like crazy and he got really excited to ask me. As we were leaving the temple he said he wanted to look around, which made me wonder what was going on, but not too bad, then he walked around to one of the fountains and said a few things that were really adorable and basically perfect, then went down on one knee and asked me. Yes, he did go down on one knee. I think I went into shock. I immediately said yes, but didn't really react much other than that. Until he had stood up and put the ring on me and then hugged me, then it really hit me. I got so excited that I think I screamed...probably in his ear. Then we just spent the rest of the day together, telling people, enjoy each others company, and enjoying the gorgeous ring that he picked out for me. That man has dang good taste. I seriously LOVE it. I don't think he could have found something I loved more if he tried.

But anyway, so yeah, I'm engaged. And starting to plan my wedding. It's stressful, but exciting. Every morning when I put my ring back on I get just a little more excited to be married to him. His so amazing. I don't know how I got so lucky to find someone who is so sweet and adorable to me. I just love him. That is all, just love him. I don't know if there is really a word to describe how I feel about him, but that one will have to suffice. But I'll tell you, wedding planning sucks. I wish someone else could just figure it all out for me, but I guess one day of planning for the rest of my life with him is worth it.

This semester is over. Thank goodness. It was a rough one. I pulled surprisingly decent grades, I don't think I earned them, actually I know I didn't earn them, but I will be happy and grateful for them anyway. I can't believe that I only have one more semester left before I graduate. I would like to know what happened to my entire undergraduate degree. But it's okay. Life is good. I'm just happy. And today is Christmas Eve. My favorite day of the entire year. I just love it. I love the anticipation that it brings, and I love the family traditions that we have. So enjoy the holidays!!

Moments, Memories, and Finals

Have you ever been able to look back on your life and pinpoint the exact moment where it began to change drastically? Exactly 100 days ago, almost to the hour, I received a text message from an old friend that I haven't heard from and have barely thought about in almost 8 years. That text message surprised me, and intrigued by how he had gotten my phone number, I responded, and we began talking. I didn't think much of it, other than "oh, what a fun blast from the past." It's funny how naive I was about what so simple a thing as answering that text would end up meaning. I am now dating that friend, and I have never been more happy in my entire life. He is amazing. He makes me smile, he makes me laugh, and he makes me feel better about myself than I ever have. When I look back at where I was 100 days ago, I don't even feel like it was the same lifetime as I am in now. It's like everything before him just isn't quite real, because this is what life was always meant to be. Me and him. Except the small fact that he lives in Cedar and I live in Salt Lake. That sucks. A lot. It's harder than I ever thought it would be. I miss him every moment. But he is so worth every second. I live for the weekends that I get to spend with him. I love him. Plain and simple. The last 100 days have just been amazing. Everyone of them. We've had some trials, but even those I don't regret. They have just made me love him more. So, here's to the next 100 days.

Did I ever post about getting an interview to pharmacy school? Well if not, I have an interview to Roseman University of Health Sciences in January. I'm so nervous! I really hope I get into at least one of the schools that I have applied to. Preferably the U, but I'm not too picky.

This semester is sucking school-wise. I just don't care about my classes. They don't interest me and it's a problem. I'm borderline failing a class. Which I never thought would happen to me. I hope it doesn't, but if it does, it's not the end of the world. I have decided that I need to learn to let myself fail occasionally, not that I'm going to fail on purpose, but sometimes I have such high expectations of myself that they are impossible to live up to and I'm tired of being upset with myself for not making it to a point that I set to high in the first place. So if I fail, it will suck, but life will go on and I will make up for it next semester. But I guess I should be doing studies instead of blogging right now anyway, so I'd better go. Just remember to not hate yourself if you don't quite make it to the goal you set. Just pick yourself back up and start again. Sometimes failing can teach you more about yourself than succeeding will.

Growing, Good Job, and Adam

Today's post goes out to my older brother. Adam, if you read this, I'm so proud of you!! For those of you who don't know Adam, he decided this spring that he wanted to change his life. And he sure has done an awesome job of it. Over the summer he has lost almost 100 pounds and has started on his way to a career that I think he will be really good at. But this weekend was the Snow Canyon Half Marathon. And he decided to run it. And holy cow did he run it. This was his first ever race and he finished in 1:55. I am extremely impressed. It sure blows my first time of 2:50 out of the water. It just goes to show that it is possible. For anyone. If you decide to take that first step, and then each little step after that, you can do it. And you will never regret it. So stop doubting yourself. Stop thinking that you aren't good enough, or strong enough, or whatever it is that you think, just stop. Get up, and get out there! Change your life, change your world, and then return the favor and inspire other people to do the same. It's hard, every second of changing is hard, but there's not a single person who has done it who won't tell you that it's worth it. Good job Adam. Keep it up!

Books, Babies, and Incredible Guys...er guy.

Well, it hasn't been too long since my last post, and not a ton has really changed. But I do have a few things to post that are very news worthy, and exciting. But before I get to those.

I pretty sure that this semester is trying to flatten me with a steam-roller, and unfortunately, because of the nature and size of a steam-roller, it is succeeding. I just can't seem to keep my head above water lately, and the problem is that it is entirely my own fault. I have the worst case of senioritis ever!! I am struggling to find meaning in my classes this semester because none of the information I am learning will be needed once this semester is over, but that is an awful mindset to have. My grades this semester still matter, but I'm having a hard time remembering it, and that is a major problem. They are going to take a major hit. Hopefully though I can save my self a little bit by being super good at studying the next about month and a half. Which means a few things are really going to have to go out of my life. One of those is going to have to be facebook. I tried to swear it off this week and it was an epic fail, but now I have to for real. I will only get on it if I can't be doing something else, which means basically never, at least until I manage to get myself caught back up, which may not actually happen because I am very far behind. So goodbye facebook world, for a little while at least.

But anyway, so I got offered my first pharmacy school interview. I'm so excited!! It is to Roseman something something, previously known as University of Southern Nevada. This school is only a three year program, which would be really nice, but it also is crazy expensive. Like almost 3 times what the U would cost me, which really sucks. It is both my second and fourth choice school. How you ask? Well, they have two campus', one in Utah (my second choice school) and one in Henderson Nevada (my fourth choice school), but really I'm just excited to have an interview. It's nice to know that there is at least one possibility, although an interview doesn't guarantee admissions of course. But I will interview on January 19, so wish me luck! I guess I had better find an outfit between then and now...Mom, shopping?

Also exciting news of the day? This week my sister found out what she is having. I'm so excited for her. IT'S A BOY! I really thought that it was going to be a girl, but it really doesn't matter. That little boy is going to be the most loved/spoiled little baby that ever lived I'm pretty sure. I'm so excited to get to meet him. I'm getting a nephew!! It kind of seems a little unreal to me to consider. I don't think I can really process it as something true, but I'm excited none-the-less. Only like five more months or something! YAY!

So, yeah, things are going great with Colton. As I mentioned in my last post, it was just the one month anniversary of when we started dating. Still can't really believe that. He is amazing though. He sent me the best present ever. It's hard doing this long distance thing. It's hard to not be able to be with him and at least see him on days like that, but there are some fun things about it. Like we did letters for our one month, which was great. That was seriously the best, sweetest, most adorable letter I have ever even considered receiving. It also included a leaf from a tree that is very special to both of us. He's just so adorable! He's definitely a keeper, that's for sure. I just wish I got to spend more time with him, but sadly school is apparently important, which I suppose I should stop blogging and get back to said school. So, Colton, honey, don't forget how crazy about you I am okay? Only 6 more days!! And the rest of you, don't forget to be as awesome as you know deep down you are!!

Fall Break, Forever, and Sister

Wow, so this semester is just flying by my head so fast that I can't even believe it. Today, marks exactly one month since I started dating the most incredible guy ever. I can't believe that it has been a month already, and yet I can't believe that it's only been a month. In some ways, I feel like we have been together forever, yet it also feels like it was just last week that we started dating. I got to spend most of fall break with him, and can I just tell you, he is just so adorable. If you wanted to be treated like a princess, find someone who treats you like he does me. He makes me so happy, and he makes me feel so good about myself. I love every second of time spent with him. This has been the best month ever, and I'm excited to see what the next month holds for us. Baby, if you read this, thank you for being so amazing!!

I hiked angels landing over fall break with him. It was so great. I haven't done that hike for a really long time, and holy crap, it scared me a little. Not bad, but a little. While we were hiking, we ran into this guy who was a cancer survivor whose chemo had made his feet mostly numb. Yet he was hiking the whole thing. I love that. I love it when people do things that are hard for them. I love when they push themselves and dare to do something that they aren't sure that they can do. Seeing him reach the top and knowing how hard it must have been for him was one of the highlights of the hike for me (not the only highlight, and not the best part by far, but still a major bright spot). I just couldn't help but feel so incredibly proud of him for making it all the way up, and I didn't even know him other than talking to him for like 5 minutes. But I'm still proud of what he managed to accomplish and that he didn't let anything, not even cancer keep him from doing something that he wanted to do.

So anyway, my big sister (well, my only sister really), is having a baby in March. I am so excited for her. It's going to be so fun to get to be an aunt. I'm thinking it's going to be a little girl but she thinks it's a boy. We find out in 9 days!! That is so exciting. I can finally start some serious Christmas shopping after that. I mean seriously it's almost November and I only have one present bought and figured out. That is really slow moving for me. It's okay though. But Sarah Beth, I really would like it if you could have this baby on the 18th, okay? thanks little baby for cooperating with me!!

Only one semester left until I graduate. I can't believe it. I don't feel nearly old enough to be graduating with my bachelors degree. It's nuts. But I will find out what pharmacy school I go to in March too. March is going to be a good month I think.

Changes, Colton, and Happiness

So today I made a huge step in my life. I jumped off the edge, without thought of what may be below me, without much care, because it doesn't matter, I know that he's going to be there to catch me. To those who follow me on Facebook, which I'm pretty sure is basically every reader of this blog...you will know what I'm talking about already. Yep, that's right, I am now officially in a relationship. A long distance one no less...

Things are moving so fast that it terrifies me, but he makes me so happy that I forget to be afraid. The last few weeks have been some of the best of my entire life, and I seriously am just happy all the time. I have been putting off the decision to call it a relationship for probably a few weeks now, because I'm me, because I'm cautious, because I'm afraid, because letting yourself be that vulnerable is hard, because it is very fast and I tend to think things through for a long time before I decide on them. But after talking to a few friends this week, and my little brother, I was struggling to keep fighting the decision, I didn't want to fight it. I'm so crazy about him that I can hardly handle that I have to be away from him. I haven't even spent very much time with him, but I just want to be with him every second of everyday, he's incredible. He's everything I've ever dreamed of, and that in and of itself scares me...

But last night, after talking to Alex White for a little bit, he asked me a question that changed everything. I'm not going to put the question in here, but my answer to that question made me rethink everything. If that was my answer then how could I possibly not call this what it is, but still I fought it, all last night and most of this morning, until finally, I decided that I didn't want to fight it anymore. So my Facebook relationship status has officially changed. And my reaction to that simple thing surprised me. I thought a complete freak out would ensue, I thought I would be scared, but honestly, all I feel is completely and utterly happy about it, the only thing that I don't feel like flying about is the fact that I don't get to see him for another week and a half... I just feel so right about everything that is happening right now, and I think my cheek bones may break from excess smiling.

He called me sweetheart today....I could seriously die happy right this second. Life is incredible. He is incredible. It's still early, it's still new, and there is still a lot that we are going to have to work out and get through, but for him, I'll do it, because he is worth every second.

God, Greatness, and Just all Around Smiles

This post will be short, and not very informative I am sure. I don't feel like going much into why I am posting, maybe I will later, but for right now, I just have to post to tell the world how great life is right now. I'm so happy. Life is just all around great.  If you had told me a year, or even three months ago, the turns my life were going to take this semester to put me exactly where I'm at this moment, I would have told you that you were completely crazy.  But here I am.  And I'm SOOO grateful. I'm so grateful for an incredible God, who loves me when I don't deserve it, who blesses me even when I turn away from him, and who knows better than I can ever expect to know myself.  He sees what I need and where I need to go even when I think my path lies 180 degrees in the other direction, and he leads me that way even though I argue that it can't be the right way. Yet when I finally start to look around, I realize that this was even better than where I was hoping to end up. And I love it. I don't know what I have done to deserve such an amazing Father love me so much and never give up on me, but I hope I do better lately at not forgetting it.

This week has been amazing. Anyone who knows me really well will know that I'm a worrier, I worry and stress about everything and anything. But today, for the first time, in a long time, maybe ever, I was able to stop worrying completely. Every fear, every doubt I was able to give up and place directly in His hands, because he has never steered me wrong before, and if this is where He wants my life to go, then it is where I will find the more joy than I ever could have dreamed of. And this week has been a touch of it. Seriously, I am just happy. And life truly is amazing.

So my dare of this post? Take time to look around you and be grateful for everything that you have. Don't forget how blessed you really are. Find joy in the simple things. Don't forget to be happy. And most of all, don't forget that no matter where you are in your life, no matter what you are doing, or however unworthy of it you may think you are at times, God loves you so much more than you can ever even begin to comprehend. :)

Defining Yourself, Daring Yourself, and Homesickness

Well, it's been awhile. I have been planning on posting this for awhile, and have been composing it in my head over and over again for the past few weeks, so hopefully I can remember all the things that I wanted to say. First off, just to update, school has started back up again and I'm off full swing into my senior year of college. I can't believe it. I really don't feel like I should be that old. I have to admit, in a lot of ways, I still feel like I should be in high school. Other than the fact that I'm not even remotely the same person that I was then. I'm sure I'd even really recognize that girl if I saw her now. It's amazing what three years will do. I also just got a new job at the Dan's Pharmacy in Holliday. I'm so excited about it, I can't even begin to tell you. Although I long to be somewhere else, I know without a doubt this is where I'm meant to be. Things don't just fall together like this unless they are right. I expected to have to apply to hundreds of pharmacies before maybe finding something, but this is just perfect. It's exactly what I was hoping for.

Where do I want to be? I wish I could be home. I have never felt this homesick before in my entire life. I'm managing. But it's hard. I miss feeling the love that I feel when I'm there. Both from others and for others. Feeling love so strongly that it's something tangible. Almost like an object rather than a feeling. And not just from my family, but from and for my pets. It's incredible how much I can love something that doesn't even talk, that isn't even a person, and how much love you can feel from them in return. It's an incredible capacity that humans have, and I miss being able to bask in it every day. Don't ever be afraid to let yourself love others. It's the most excruciatingly painful emotion in the world, but there isn't much to life without it.

Anyway, on to my dare of this post, since that seems to be a theme I think I will continue. Lately I have heard a lot of comments from people about how they would be embarrassed, or they don't want to do something because they wouldn't be able to be good enough to brag about it to other people. That is so backwards!! We all need to stop thinking that way. Case and point, I know several people who refuse to run a marathon because they would be embarrassed by their time and wouldn't be able to brag about it to other people. Well honey, I didn't even finish my first marathon, and I'm every bit as proud of it as I could be. I got out, and I made an effort. I tried to do something that terrified me. I refused to believe that I was limited and couldn't do it, and I learned a lot from it. Granted, I should have been smarter about doing it, but I wasn't and you know what, I don't regret it. I just proved to myself even more how much of my weakness is self imposed. I can run 24 miles of a marathon with no training, I can do a whole heck of a lot more if I apply myself, and so can you. I'm still learning to apply myself and push past those weaknesses, I probably always will be but I'm slowly learning how to do it. So as my new favorite quote says, it's a line from a pink song, "Change the voices in your head, make them like you instead" we need to change our mindsets. We need to stop defining ourselves based on what other people think. We need to stop caring about how we might appear to other people, and learn to appreciate ourselves for who we are. Every little quirk and annoying habit and flaw we think we might have. They truly don't matter.

So, I dare you to stop. Stop caring if someone else doesn't think you are good enough. Stop limiting yourself because you think you aren't good enough for someone else. Be proud of who you are. Stop being embarrassed by dorky pictures of yourself, and embrace them as what makes you unique. And I most of all dare you to not be afraid to love. Others or yourself.

Certification, Completeness, and Plans

So, this week has been a pretty good one. I took my National Pharmacy Technician Certification test this morning. And I passed!! YAY!! That means that very soon now I will finally be a technician. I'm pretty excited. Hopefully that means I'll be able to find a job in Salt Lake at a pharmacy and gain more experience and have better chances for getting into the pharmacy school that I want to.

It's interesting how life works out. I never dreamed of being a pharmacist. It was never something that seemed to appeal to me growing up. But for some reason it was put into my head that was what I needed to do, and so I charted that course and followed it, and to my surprise, it's very different than I expected. It turns out that I love it. Working in the pharmacy has been an eye opening experience. I have always had a thirst for knowledge. I like to know things. Small facts, random knowledge. And it is fascinating everyday to see the amount of knowledge that this path I have chosen for myself has to offer. Everyday I see the amount that each pharmacist knows about things that are useful besides just being interesting, and I am beginning to learn to thrive in this situation I have put myself in. And everyday I begin to love the path and my job even more.

So, my dare for today? I dare you to not be afraid to try something new. Don't think that just because it sounds frightening that it isn't worth it. Dare to try for it, because you never know what will happen. You never know when you may find the thing that you were meant for and more happiness than you knew was possible.

Weakness, Wasteful, and Victory

Today was another victory moment for me. Not a huge one, but it's not the size of the victory that matters, it's that you had one that counts. I ran my second ever 5k today. I hadn't fully recovered from my marathon three weeks ago, but it doesn't matter. You can't let anything stop you from reaching dreams that you have. If you are capable at all, then go for it, and if you fail, at least you failed trying rather than just sitting back wishing that you had gone for it.

I ran this 5k in 35:55, about 55 seconds faster than my previous 5k. And I didn't walk. To me that is the important part. I jogged slow for the whole thing, yes, and some of the people around me who walked a good portion of it still finished before me, but that doesn't matter. It's not about anyone else. It's about me. It's about becoming the best version of me that I know how to be. My foot started to kill about half way through. It's an injury that I'm not sure will ever leave me alone, and I was tempted to quit. Tempted even though for me now, 3 miles isn't such a daunting thought as it once was. But then I realized something. I realized that the pain, the weakness that I may have been feeling at that moment didn't define me. I am so much more than the weakest part of me. I have weaknesses, but by refusing to credit them, by refusing to let them become who I am, I refuse to give them power of me. I will probably always have the same weaknesses, maybe I will never fully get rid of the part of my brain that tells me that it's too hard and it's not worth it. But by refusing to listen to it, by refusing to give in to that nagging little voice that tells me I'll never make it, I become a little bit stronger, and by shunning weakness I can slowly turn it into a strength.

So today I dare you to stop defining yourself by your weakest part. I dare you to look beyond the things that you can't do and realize all of the many things that you can do. I dare you to stop comparing yourself to others and realize that it's only you and the things that you do yourself that matter. I think I finished 90th in this 5k, and if I compared myself to those other 89 people running in front of me, maybe it would have been enough to make me quit. But it's not. Those people don't matter. It's only the me that I leave behind everytime I improve that matters. As deny weakness a place in my heart and learn to love myself, that's what really matters. That's how I become stronger, and I dare you to do the same. I dare you to stop wasting the strength that you have on worrying about others. I dare you to remember that you are so much more than the weakness that is inside of you.

Doorways, Darkness, and Light

When your life seems too hard, when all you can see is the blackness around you, when it seems like it's never going to end. What ever you do, just don't quit. Because eventually, if you keep pushing forward, you'll find the doorway. You'll find a way out. At first it may just be that you can see a little light highlight the wall next to you, but if you keep moving towards it, eventually that doorway will be found. And when you look at that doorway, you'll see something more incredible than you ever could have imagined. So don't quit. When the darkness seems overwhelming just keep pushing on. You may come out of the darkness banged up and bruised, but it won't destroy you unless you let it. Search for that light, whatever it is in your life, for me, it's learning to love myself, and letting go of my mistakes, for you it may be something completely different. But whatever it is, keep stumbling through the darkness until you find it, because once you do, every step that you took through the darkness will be worth it, and you'll wonder how you could have despaired when something so incredible was waiting for you at the end.

Accepting, Awareness, and Happiness

I came to another important realization this weekend, which I think my last blog had a lot to do with. I am happy. Happier than I think I've ever been. After my last semester of school being so awful, that surprises me. But it's the truth. I am not like perma-grin happy. But down to earth completely content. You want to know what I think makes that difference? That makes me happy when before I was struggling to be that way? It's because I finally gave myself permission to love myself. Permission to accept my faults and flaws as part of what makes me unique, even as I still work to change the ones that I can. Permission to be okay with it when I'm not perfect. Permission to stop taking other people's problems on as my own. But most of all, I gave myself permission to look at how far I have come, rather than how far I have left to go. And that makes a big difference. There are still a lot of things in my life that could be better. People who I wish would change, decisions I wish they would make differently, but it doesn't matter, because I'm happy with me, and that is the biggest part of the journey.

So once again, I dare my readers, I dare you to learn to love yourself. I dare you to not only accept your flaws, but to love yourself for them. Dare to let go of the problems that other people try to put on you, dare to push past them dumping their low self-esteem onto you because you know that you are worth more than that. Dare to find out who you are and love that person even as you continue to try and become who you want to be.

Daring, Dreaming, and Improving

I've been doing a lot of thinking today and I've realized some important things. I've realized that it's not enough to look at where you are in your life, instead, you have to look at where you are in comparison to where you used to be. It's no good to judge yourself for what you are doing if you don't do it in the context of what you used to do. Remember that. I was thinking about my failed marathon attempt, thinking about how I spent 2 hours berating myself and basically loathing myself for being a failure, but then today I realized, I'm not a failure. Not even close. So, I didn't finish this marathon, but next time I will. And I started to think about the path that put me where I am today, and I realized that I truly am not a failure.

Two years ago, probably close to the day actually, I decided that I could run a marathon. Not necessarily that I wanted to, but that I could. At that point I'm not even sure I had ever ran a mile without stopping in my entire life. It's sad, but it's true. Physical activity has never been my focus or my strong suit. But I decided that I could, and so I started trying to make myself run. I don't remember that first time running a mile without stopping, but I remember quite vividly to this day how it felt the first time I ever ran 2 miles without stopping. It hurt, it was sooo hard, and I didn't think I could do it, but as I watched the distance tick downwards on the tredmill, every part of my body screamed out in joy and pride. All I wanted to do was cry because it was a step forward that I hadn't thought I could accomplish. Then the first time I ever ran 4 miles, my dad and brother made me, and not even two miles in, I broke down and cried, because it was too hard, because I didn't think I could do it, because I felt I was holding them back and making them run too slow, but I pushed past it, and I made it those 4 miles. I was sore for two days.

When I look back at those days, really look back and remember what it felt like to be that person, it surprises me. I don't really remember that person. The thought of running 4 miles doesn't scare me like it did then, I actually really enjoy a run after I reach mile 4, and to be honest, that scares me a little. That I have come that far without even realizing, and looking down on myself is a little frightening. How can I be so blind to my own progress and strength? I ran 10.5 miles on an injured foot, without stopping once, with almost no training. I finished 24 miles of a marathon with absolutely no training. Most people don't dare to dream enough to get out there and try that. Maybe I didn't run a marathon in 3 and a half hours, yeah, maybe I didn't even finish, but I dared to try. I dared to try and become the person that I want to be, and proved to that girl who was proud of her first ever two miles, that it will pay off, and that I can do it. If I can almost finish a marathon with no training, what can I do if I train? The concept of how unlimited I am is truly amazing.

So I'd like to encourage everyone who will read this to go for your dreams. Dare to have them, dare to try for them. But most of all, dare to believe in yourself. Dare to accept your failures and part of the path that will lead you closer to who you really want to be. Most of all, dare to be positive. Dare to overcome the little things and don't condemn yourself because you didn't make it as far as you wanted. It's not where you are that matters, it's where you came from that makes the difference.

Pain, Pride, and Well, More Pain...

Well, it's that time again. Time for an update on the going-ons in my life down here in ole Cedar for the summer. Things have been going good overall. I have been working at the Lin's Pharmacy, working towards my Pharm. Tech. Ceritification. It's been interesting, and I'm learning alot so far. I love how much the Pharmacists here know. I hope to someday get to know near as much as they do. I've been very blessed to get to work with two different Pharmacists and it's really great to be able to learn from each of them. They both do things differently of course and it's great to pick up things I like and don't like that they do so that I can someday implement them into my career and be as good at my job as possible. Hopefully the tech certification will be enough to get me into the school that I want to get into. Here's to hoping in December, right?

So, quick update on my grades, I ended up pulling high enough grades to keep my scholarship for my final year. YAY me!!! I'm not exactly proud of my grades this last semester, and I could have used a higher GPA while applying for Pharm school, but I'm still grateful to have all 4 years of my undergrad almost completely paid for.

Anyway, so here's the story that I'm sure you've been waiting for, or maybe not, who knows. My marathon story. I wish that I could say it was as good as my half story, or that I had as much pride in it as I did for that. Unfortunately I can't, but here it is anyway. So as any long time follower of this blog knows, I have been planning to run a full-marathon for about 2 years now, but it seems that something always gets in the way of my training. This year, after injuring my foot before the half and the trying to give it time to recover, I lost some of that time. It started really getting managable again around January, about the time that school started again, and so the training began. Of course, since it was early, I only included short runs, between 5 and 7 miles. I did good on this for about a month, so now we are in February. At that point my dad signed us up, and I felt like I was going to be ready because I had been doing good with the training. Then shortly after that the semester decided to completely swamp me, and everything but trying to keep my head above water school wise pretty much took a backseat. Unfortunately that included training. So my training dwindle, I kept telling myself, "I still have time, I'll be fine, once things kind of slow down I'll get some serious running done." Well, things just kept going and before I knew it I only had a month left before the run. Now granted, I should have gotten serious at that point, but things just didn't seem to work out, there was always some reason that I couldn't fit in any really serious runs in, and then it was too late.

Maybe a week and a half before the Marathon, I caught one of the nastiest bugs I have had in a very long time. I don't know what it was, but man was I sick. My head was constantly spinning and pounding and my stomach never stopped hurting. It was not very fun and didn't help much with preparing to run.

The day of the race dawned (figuratively as it was about 330 in the morning and the sun had yet to show it's face), and I loaded a bus filled with others with high hopes for there own several hours of insanity. We stood around a campfire while waiting for the race to start, and I could feel my dread building even more than it already had. What was I doing there? I didn't belong there with all of those people talking about their goals of under 4 hours. I simply wanted to finish (meaning 6 hours), and I wasn't even sure I could manage that. I wasn't prepared, I wasn't ready, and I knew without a doubt that this was going to hurt. But there was no going back. There was no getting out of it. There was no bus to take me back down to my bed that I had so insanely left. And so, filled with complete abject terror, I moved towards the starting line as the time drew near. I put in my headphones, turned on a book, and the gun sounded and we were off. I started off feeling decent about it. I was keeping up a pace that would have put me finishing around 5 hrs and 20 min. I was feeling okay about it. I hit a good stride around 4 miles, then some rolling hills between 7 and 9 that kicked my butt. I also hit some intense hunger around mile 7 as well. Note to potential runners, eat a good breakfast before the run. You will need it. Between miles 9 and 11, I was feeling pretty good again. I passed everyone who had passed me between 7 and 9 and made up a little of the time I had lost on those miles. Then I hit around mile 12 and I started to get really light headed, a residue of my ridiculous bug. I lost a little more time but I kept pushing on. I passed the half marathon start at almost exactly 3 hours, slower than I would have liked, but still on time, and things went down hill from there. I pushed on walking and running up until mile 15, but between my hunger, my spinning head, and my tensing calf muscles my body was starting to give up on me. I wish I could push my body to it's limits rather than the ones my brain sets, because I know that my body has alot more to give, I just don't know how to make it get there.

Anyway, around mile 16 I was still fighting for it, but then the six hour pacer walked by me and let me know that if I didn't finish in front of him I wouldn't get a medal, and with that, the fight went out of me. I'll admit it, I just flat out quit. I could have kept running some but realizing that I could push all that way through the pain I was then feeling and it wouldn't even count?!? I just gave up. At that point, I didn't try to run anymore, but I kept walking. It sucked because after the 6 hour pacer the aid stations closed down, meaning that after mile 18 I no longer was provided with water, but what can you do. I walked, and walked, and took off my race number because I was tired of people telling me good job, when I felt like I was doing anything but. I'll admit it, I was ashamed of myself. I didn't finish what I had set out to do. But I was still walking. Around mile 23.5 I was hot, thirsty, and my legs were starting to kill, I still planning on walking those last three miles, giving it everything I had not to break down, and then it happened. I was attacked by a flock of birds. I am being dead serious. A group of birds all came out of a hedge and started dive bombing my head. Now seeing that I am actually terrified of birds, that was the last straw. I lost it. There was no more left in me to fight with. And so at mile marker number 24 I stepped into the shade and there I waited until my parents, realizing I wouldn't make it, came and picked me up. So, I made it 24 miles of my first marathon. I'm frustrated with myself for not finishing, but honestly, with the training I had I shouldn't have even made it that far, and after how I feel today, I don't feel so bad.

Today I can hardly walk. My muscles are killer sore and the whole side of one foot is a blister. Basically, I'm not frustrated that I didn't finish in 6 hours, because I know that my body didn't have it in it to do it. It wasn't just me being weak and quitting. Granted, I should have trained more, but I didn't, and I did my best. And now there is next year. I will train this time and I will finish. Of course, after I can finally walk again.

But my dad and sister did great. My dad finished in under 4 hours, and my sister finished the half in 2:45. Go them. I'm proud of them. But now I will limp my way upstairs and crash, hoping that I will be able to walk at work tomorrow and won't be teased too terribly bad.

Patience, Possiblities, and Out of Time

Well, I have officially been out of school for 10 days. It's so nice to just have a break and not have to deal with school stuff for a little while. I am still waiting on one grade though, and it's nerve wracking. My scholarship and my financial situation for the next year rides on that one little letter that my Ecology professor doesn't seem to want post. It is very frustrating and makes me extremely antsy. Needless to say, patience has never really been my strong suit. I attempt to work on it some times, but really, I just don't usually do very good with it. I live in a world of instant gratification, and you expect me to wait for things? Are you crazy? I wouldn't really care about waiting for the grade if it weren't for the fact that as long as it is at least a C+ than I will have kept my scholarship for all 4 years of my undergrad. I'm pretty sure I pulled at least a C+ but I don't want to get my hopes up too much just in case. This semester definitely wasn't my best. My first ever grades lower than a B+. Two of them in fact. But as long as I still have a 3.7 I am happy.

I may have a job for the summer. Just part time working 20 hours a week or so at the Lin's Pharmacy. It won't help a whole ton with my money situation (I am completely broke and am pretty sure I will be until I graduate with my Pharm.D.) but it is certainly better than nothing, and I am thrilled about it. I would be perfectly willing to do it unpaid because I need the experience, I will be getting certified as a Pharm Tech, so keep your fingers crossed for me that it will work out. Just waiting for state approval now.

My marathon is now less than a month away. I'm pretty much terrified. There is no way I am even going to be close to ready. I slacked of way way way too much this last semester. It's not going to be good, but I'm pretty much out of time. I will just have to run like crazy the next two weeks and hope I won't completely die when I run because I'm doing it anyway even though I'm not going to be ready. Oh well. I will just have to run with Jack. He loves running. And now I make him carry my water. It makes me happy.

Fateful, Finals, and Running

Well, last night was one of those iconic days in history. The kind that maybe someday my children will ask me if I remember happening. To be honest, I'm really curious what I will remember. Will I remember it as the day we caught the terrorist responsible for so much death and pain? Will I remember it as one of America's prouder moments? Or will I remember it with sadness? I know what Osama did was wrong, I know that so many people are still suffering wounds from what he did, but I find it hard to rejoice in a death. I'm not trying to make light of September 11, that day was tragic, but it's sad that so much pain had to follow for the next 10 years. And quite frankly, I'm scared of what is coming next. I don't think that just because Osama is gone it will mean that everything will be over, that our troops with all come home and finally we will be at peace. I just don't think it's possible. Maybe that's just because half of my life has been spent hearing about the Iraqi conflict, but I just don't think it's that easy. So, I'm worried about what this day will end up being down the road when I finally will be in a position to tell my children about it.

But on other notes. School is finally almost over for this semester. I can't wait. This has been the roughest semester I have ever had. Quite frankly, I'm just tired. Too tired to care anymore. Tired in every way. Tired in ways that sleeping what solve. But it's down to only 3 days left. Just two more finals, one speech, and then finally, finally I get to go home again, and hopefully recharge my emotional and mental batteries a little, because right now they don't have much juice left to keep on going. I'm a little scared for my grades this semester, because I didn't put in the effort that I should have, but whatever happens, happens, and I will have to deal with it however it ends up happening. If it finally is time to say good bye to my full ride, I will be upset, I will probably cry, I will be mad and disappointed in myself that I let things slip through my fingers this semester, but I will also be grateful that I got school almost completely paid for for three years, that's more than a lot of people can say, and more than I was hoping for when I first applied for this scholarship. I guess we will see what happens.

So the results for the 5k still are not posted, so I don't know yet how close I was to that medal, even though it really doesn't matter because there isn't much I can do about it anyway. But there is just under 6 weeks before I am running my first marathon. I have to admit, I am terrified. Along with everything else, my training kind of fell by the wayside this last semester and I am no where near as close to being ready as I should be. But once I'm home it will be a little easier, because I will have my family, and my sister to run with, and Jack to run with as well, and hopefully I can spend those 5 weeks getting ready enough that I don't die. All I want is to finish. I can do that right?

Five K, Finally over, and Plans

So, today was my first ever 5k. I know, I know, I tend to do things a little backwards, half marathon first and then 5k. At least I didn't do a full marathon before the 5k. Overall it went pretty good. I finished in 36:54, which was a little slower than I wanted to, but in my defense the race was mostly uphill, and I also had no idea how far I had gone so it was hard to pace myself. If you ever decided to plan a race, you should have it marked, like 1k, 2k, etc. It makes it a lot easier to run it. Once again, I was the pace setter for someone. I love that. Honestly it's one of my favorite things to feel like I helped someone else just by doing something that I was doing anyway. This time it was this guy who pretty much was with in ten feet of me the entire race, either behind or in front. When he finished I said something to him about being race buddies, and he was like, "I know, thanks so much, you really helped." Makes me smile. It is also really neat because it has been snowing for two days straight up here,(I know, crazy Utah bipolar weather) but it cleared up long enough for the race and stopped snowing, then started again when I was driving home. I'm a little disappointed because I finished 4th in my age group, which is of course fantastic and way better than I expected, but it's just annoying because if I had just been faster than one other person I would have received a medal for it. I'm waiting for the final results though to see how far ahead of me third was. If it was the girl who finished right in front of me I will be pissed because she only passed me because I stopped to tie my shoe. Anyway, I'm pretty happy about it overall and the beauty of it is that I know I can improve from that time without too much work so here's to going up from here.

On other matters, I am so glad this semester is almost over. Only 25 days until I move home for the summer. I cannot wait. It has been a rough semester for me, I'm quite frankly terrified to see what my grades are going to look like, but hopefully high enough to keep my scholarship. If not though I already have a place to live, which is great. I am truly grateful for good friends.

Also, next weekend I'm going on a repelling trip down to Cedar with a few people from up here. Very excited. It's always fun to get more people out to do things like that. It is also Josh's homecoming talk. Can I just say, nerves!! I haven't seen him in 2 years, (well, 23 months but still). I have no idea what to expect or how awkward he's going to be when I do see him again, but it will also be great to see him anyway. So yeah, lots of awesome things in the next few weeks. I can't wait.

Fast Forward, Five K, and Weekends

So I am pretty sure that someone decided that my life wasn't going by fast enough and hit the fast forward button. Its already the middle of February almost, I feel like January just barely started. In a lot of ways that's really great because I have a lot of really exciting things going on this summer. Most of my friends come home from missions, road trip with Sarah and Jake, running my first marathon, and who knows what else, but I'm very excited for it. However, I have no time to get caught up with anything. I wouldn't mind if it went just a little slower for awhile.

So I signed up for my first 5k last week. I am super excited!! It's going to be so much fun...well maybe fun is the wrong word, but I'm excited regardless. I have to get to where I can run a little faster though, but last week I cut 6.5 minutes of my fastest ever 5 miles. So that was very very exciting and a good start. I love that I am making progress to my goal of being able to say that I am a runner.

So that's all for now, except I have to say that this semester has the best weekends!! I only have about 3 that I don't have something exciting going on and I can't wait!! This weekend, Sarah Beth is coming to visit!! YAY!! Next weekend, Parade of Homes, All weekend long. I am so excited!! Best weekend of the whole year!

Semester, Sarah Beth, and Honor Society

Well, what a last little bit of a week or so...I swear this semester is trying to kill me. It is so busy all the time. I just feel like I can't get my head above water and we are only three weeks in. This is how you are supposed to feel right before finals week, not the very beginning of the semester. I have both a biochem and a human physiology test next week. Both on the same day. Who does that! But it's going by so fast that I am not really sure how to deal with it. I mean seriously!!! January is almost over!! What happened to it? I don't understand where the days went? This year has so many things going on I'm not sure I'm ready for it to go by so fast. I have to apply for pharmacy school and graduation in like ten months!! That is way too soon. What happened to my college career!! I just can't believe that I am almost a senior. Or that I have managed to keep my scholarship so far and have really great odds to keep it next year. That is fantastic!!

So I got an invitation to join the Phi Kappa Phi Honor Society today. I don't know if I should or not. It sounds really prestigious and everything and like it would be valuable to resumes or whatever, but it's 80 bucks. I don't know. This year and next are really going to take their toll on my wallet. or as someone's facebook status said today "Dear Bank Account, nomnom nom. Sincerely, College." It made me laugh so hard.

I got to go have dinner tonight with my favorite, Sarah Beth. I was so excited to see her. She's so great and always makes me laugh. It's nice just to feel like I can let loose and be crazy because I don't really know how to do that all that well, and she really does, so that was great. And she is coming to visit me!! I'm so excited. These next three weekends are going to be crazy. MG sleepover this weekend (so excited), Sarah Beth next weekend, and the home for the parade of homes the next weekend!!! YAY!!! Three awesome things right in a row.

On a side note, I got some interesting news from my older brother that made me laugh like crazy. Sometimes I can't believe some of the things that he does.

My Baby, My Speech, and Sidenotes

I don't really have a ton to write today. It's been a very stressful week for me, I don't exactly know why but it's just like everything caught up with me and I had a little bit of a freak out on tuesday night, but life is a little better now. I wish like crazy though that I could have Jack up here with me. I love his freakin' face. He makes me laugh all the time, and he just loves me so much. I miss him.

Anyway, so I gave my first speech in my public speaking class today. That was completely nerve wracking, and not really my all time favorite thing ever. I think that I did okay in it, but I don't know, I was shaking like crazy, which is just silly. I was only in front of like 20 people, and the speech wasn't even graded. It makes me kind of sad sometimes. I wish that I wasn't such a baby about things, I wish I was braver. I wish I didn't let my fears rule me so much of the time. Which is kind of ironic because I am all about facing your fears. I don't believe that you sho

uld let being afraid of something stop you from doing it, yet if I really look at it, I kind of do a lot more than I should. It's sad and I really need to work on changing that.

Speaking of facing fears...they are starting a ballroom team most likely up here at the U, and I am thinking about trying out for it. Last night they had a ballroom social and I have to admit I was kind of nervous to go. I haven't danced since high school really, and there is always that small part of me that says, "what if I suck? what if no one asks me to dance and I just end up standing there alone...blah blah blah.." anyway, but I went, and I ended up having a blast. I forgot how much I absolutely love dancing!! Recently I was updating my bucket list, and I had on there that I wanted to waltz at my wedding. I seriously considered taking it off, I didn't really think that I cared enough about it to really make it worth it. But after last night, I am definitely keeping it on there. I love it!!! And I'm super glad I went to the social.

Quick side notes, I am going to dinner tonight with Adam, that should be fun. I haven't seen him since Christmas so that will be good. I also took down all of my countdowns. Sad. It does make me sad, but it's better in a lot of ways. I just couldn't deal with the stress they entailed this week and so I need to detox my life for a bit. We'll see if that changes. I don't know how well you can tell from the picture, but that is my parents 6 month old puppy Steiger. He is so awesome. And such a sweet heart. He's really smart as well and makes Jack seem like the dumbest dog ever (which he just might be). Anyway, so that puppy weighs over 100 pounds already. He's going to be so huge!! It's awesome!

School, Salads, and Training

Well, where to start. We are now almost through the first week of school. It's been pretty good, maybe a little rough, but it's a good start. I'm really excited for most of my classes, namely common medicines, human physiology(although it will kick my butt), and surprisingly biochemistry. I am okay with my ecology class, could be cool, but just not really my cup of tea. However, I am so not looking forward to my public speacking class...today i had to give a 45 second speech about my favorite thing to eat for breakfast. Seeing how I hate breakfast and wouldn't eat if it weren't the most important meal of the day, not really very good. But the teacher is nice enough so it's alright.

I am endevoring this semester to try and eat more healthy. My lunch yesterday, spinach salad with a few croutons and some left over chicken, and yes, a little bit of ranch. It sucks that ranch has to be so unhealthy, but it's the only kind of dressing that I really care for. Actually though, the salad was good. I forgot how much I like spinach with croutons and ranch. Today, whole wheat bread, extra lean ham, tomatoes, spinach, and a tiny bit of mayo. Also a banana and fruit leather. Not too bad if I say so myself. It's a start. I am also trying to participate in a sugar fast with my friend Alexi and Bridget. With the rule being that one thing of "candy" is allowed each week. I was so hoping to go party at TCBY on Saturday to celebrate my first week without sugar, but I gave in and ate some dark chocolate milkyways on tuesday...sad.

Anyway. So last week I started back into serious marathon training, for my first full coming up in June. I haven't really ran since the half, so it's been interesting to get back into it. My body isn't quite sure how to handle it, but it will remember. Since the air quality and ice have been so bad I have been running on the indoor track, and I'll admit, it is a serious mental battle just to run 1 mile. (7.5 laps.) But today I learned something interesting. I really hit my "runners high" between 4 and 6 miles. I don't enjoy it much before that, after that it's difficult, but when I am running those two miles, I remember why I'm doing it. I realize how great running really can be, and how incredibly worth it it is. Too bad I can't hit that a little earlier....oh well. I am super excited though, because Deborah is now training with me, and I LOVE!! having someone to run with all the time. It makes it so much easier. and I greatly appreciate her slowing down her stride to run at my pace. Also, I finally, finally, after months of trying, was able to talk my sister into running with us for the half marathon in September. And so she is now training as well at home. I love it. I love seeing other people improve themselves and realize how worth it it really is, even though every minute of it is hard. It makes you feel so good after you are done. I can honestly say today that I love running. (that may not last long though...)

My Marathon, Motivation, and Blessing

Wow, so I just realized how long it has been since I have posted on here. It's almost kind of sad actually. So much has happened since September. First and foremost, I have been so blessed that it is unreal. I have the most amazing college ward that anyone could ask for, the most amazing bishop who has helped me more in the last few months than I ever would have though possible. I have met some amazing people this last semester that I truly look up to and have really helped me become closer to who I want to be. I have the best friend anyone could ever ask for who is willing to give up two years of his life to serve the Lord and he comes home in 98 days. I have a fantastic family who supports me in everything I set my mind to accomplishing, and I have wonderful pets who love me unconditionally and always make me laugh. Oh, and of course, I got amazing grades this last semester and can now get four B's and 1 A- and still keep my scholarship for my senior year, so that is a big relief and a huge weight off my mind.

Anyway, I realized I never wrote about my Half Marathon. It was an amazing experience, and one that I will never regret as long as I live. Also one of the proudest (if most painful) days of my entire life up to this point. To those of you who don't know my running history, By the time I was a senior in high school I had probably ever only ran a mile without stopping, and found it hard to believe I could possibly run much more than that. But the summer after my first year of college my dad started talking about the Biggest Loser Marathon, and I realized then that if they could do it, I could do it. So I talked my Dad in to running a marathon and planned to run one the next April. But as the months started to go by, my running started to dwindle...my dad ran his first half that November, then his first full in June. And me? Well I think the most I had ran at that point was only 4 miles, which granted, for me that was a huge accomplishment. But compared to the 26.2 that I had planned on running...not so great. So I decided to try again. To set the goal to run my full marathon in June of 2011, and so I started again trying to train. I did a little better this time around, but still not as great as I could have. But I trained enough that I could run the Snow Canyon Half marathon in November 2010. I really probably didn't train near as hard as I could have and only had one 10 mile run behind me by the time it came around, but I was determined to do it anyway. Unfortunately I injured my foot about 3 weeks before, but it didn't matter.

So the day finally came to run. I don't think I have ever been more nervous, terrified, and excited before in my life. My dad ran with me, the race, but he didn't actually run next to me the whole time. Which I'm actually glad for because it meant I did it all on my own, pushing myself, for almost the whole race. the first 7 miles were amazing! The scenery, fantastic. The temperature, perfect. I felt great. I can honestly say that the first hour or so was one of the best of my entire life. I have never felt so proud of myself. I didn't stop running once. It started to get a little harder after that, but not terrible. until I hit about mile 9. then my poor injured foot started to throb. I tried to ignore it and kept pushing on. By the time I hit mile 10.5 I started to have shooting pain up my leg from my foot and the muscles in that leg started locking up. So I walked for a bit. I have to admit, I'm a little ticked about it. I would have liked to say that I ran the whole thing, but next time I will. So I walked for a bit, in serious pain. but when I was almost to mile 12 I saw my Dad and my Sister walking towards me. They had walked up from the bottom to finish with me. (My Dad had finished himself almost and hour before...) So I ran the end with them, it pain, and crossed the finish line bawling because my foot hurt so bad, but I did it. I ran my first half marathon only walking 1.5 miles of the total 13.1. AMAZING!!

So that was fantastic, I can't wait to do another one and beat my time of 2:50:01, not a great time, but for someone who thought they couldn't run a mile 3 years ago, not too shabby. I am now starting some serious training this next semester and will be running my first full marathon on June 11. I will then be running a half in September with my Dad, Sister, and possibly my little brother, and then will do the snow canyon again in November. I can't wait for all the good things still to come this next year. I also am planning to try and run my first ever 5k. I know, I'm a little backwards since my first race ever was a half and not a 5 or 10k. But look forward to more amazing posts to come because my life truly is a good one.