Remembering, rainbows, and faith

As I sat here this morning feeding my baby, the date finally hit me. Today is March 23rd. Yesterday was March 22nd. Those are two days that are forever going to be burned into my heart and soul. You see, I've year ago on March 22nd, I went into a doctor's appointment, completely ecstatic to be there so I could finally let go of fear and announce our eleven week pregnancy to the world. But that wasn't going to happen. That day, instead, was to become one of pain, where fear instead won. A day that broke my heart. We found out that day, that the baby had stopped growing weeks before. That all of my fears were for a reason. We found out that day that our lives were going to change.

March 23rd, 2016, I'll admit was worse. Maybe that's hard to believe. What could be worse then finding out you had lost a baby that you had known strongly was waiting to join your family for over a year. It's simple really. One year ago today, I took medication to make my body do what it should have done naturally weeks before. A medication to force me to actually live and feel the truth. And it hurt. Physically, and in every way you can hurt. But, thankfully, it worked and did what it was supposed to.

Despite the pain of those days, I also felt a surprisingly level of peace. I reminder that things were going to be okay. And one year ago today, I applied for a job I wouldn't have if the pregnancy would have continued. A job I wouldn't have even known existed because I wasn't looking for a job because of the baby. A job that I would interview for and get a month later. A job that would put me exactly where I always hoped and dreamed I'd be.

Now, I don't know what you believe about miscarriages, I've heard all kinds of opinions, that you get to raise that baby in heaven, that the baby tries again in another pregnancy, even that they don't mean anything. But for me, for this one pregnancy I lost...I know, with as much surety as you can have about something like this, that that pregnancy, just didn't have the right timing. Emma, my little baby now was that pregnancy. She was the same spirit that I'd been feeling so strongly for a full year telling me she was waiting to come to our family. But the first pregnancy had to end the way it did.

Because we needed things from that miscarriage. I needed my job I have now. We needed to move to cedar and get to be with family. Elli needed to be a little older. And most importantly, I needed a reminder in my faith. A reminder that despite the dark days, God is so good. God is there striving to lift us above the pain that this mortal experience sometimes can bring us. That we are all so loved, and known personally.

Yes. March 22nd and 23rd of 2016 were dark days for me. Ones I wouldn't wish on anyone. Yet they are days I'm not sure I would take away if I could because of the strength they taught me to have, and the lessons they taught me about grace. And despite the pain of losing the pregnancy, I have my baby still. Either, as I believe, in the sweet, strong spirit currently sleeping next to me, or in a spirit I'll raise eventually as part of my eternal family. But no matter what we have been blessed beyond what we probably deserve.

Emma Claire, is my beautiful rainbow, and even though the storm changed me, I wouldn't wish to take it back. Where it got me is far too important.

Because sometimes...life is hard.

I've been seriously debating writing this post...It's hard to write, and I worry about it being so fresh and being hard for others, but I don't know. I feel the need to get my feelings out, and that I owe it to God to share my testimony of the wonderful help he has given me through this time.

On January 31st of this year, I got a positive pregnancy test. I was so excited. We had been trying for a few months and I seemed to feel an instant overwhelming love for the little one I was lucky enough to be carrying. But even then, the worries started. Over the last few years I have known so many amazing women go through miscarriages, and that was in the back of my mind. I remember one morning after taking the third pregnancy test I had taken and feeling like the line wasn't darkening as fast as it should, crying out in my heart to God, telling him that I couldn't handle a miscarriage, that I just needed this pregnancy to go perfect. And I remember the overwhelming peace that washed over me in that moment. The reminder that God is there, he is in control, and most of all, that he loves me. And so I moved forward thinking that was the end of it.

But the concerns about something going wrong during this pregnancy never really left me. I'm not normally like that, I'm not a doomsday type of person and I just tend to assume that bad things won't happen to me, so it was a little strange that I just couldn't let the idea that something was going to go wrong go. It wasn't really a fear, or even anxiety, just a thought and idea that wouldn't seem to leave my mind. I figured as soon as we saw the heartbeat for the first time, everything would be fine and I could finally have that thought leave me alone. So on February 26th, we had our first appointment. I was 7 weeks 2 days, and there was a strong heartbeat at 156 bpm. I was excited and happy, and Elli was adorable telling everyone about her "baby in the water".

And for that day everything was good. But the thoughts just kept coming back. I started to realize I knew people that had things go wrong even after a heart beat was seen and I just couldn't seem to let it go. Colton gave me several blessings, and in several of them promised me that I would have a healthy baby with no complications. Normally when I have blessings of that nature, I feel overwhelmed with peace and reassurance, but after them, the only thought I kept having was "yes, maybe I'll have a healthy pregnancy but not necessarily with this baby" and that is so not like me so I just tried to ignore it. I took pictures for our announcement, but I couldn't bring myself to post them, was far too nervous about what was going to happen. And so I just told myself, it was all going to be okay, that we would have our next appointment with another ultrasound and everything would be fine and then I could announce and finally let my thoughts about miscarriage go.

On March 22nd we went in for my next appointment. The midwife tried to find the heartbeat with a doppler first but couldn't locate it, and somehow, in that moment I think I knew...She took us in for an ultrasound but we couldn't see anything. We were sent down to the radiology department in the hospital for an official ultrasound. Colton couldn't come back with me since we had Elli with us, so as I walked into that room alone and they started doing an ultrasound without saying a single word to me the entire time, I felt a little lost.  In that moment, I cried out to God, I begged him that I could have the faith to get through this. I didn't ask that things would be okay, I think I knew it wouldn't be, just that somehow I could have the faith that I needed.

A few hours after the ultrasound we got the report...The baby had no heartbeat, and had stopped growing at 7 weeks and 6 days, just 4 days after our first appointment and first ultrasound. I'm still not sure I know how to process that entirely. I just have to realize that there was nothing I could have done, and nothing I did for this to happen but that it is a part of life.

It has been an interesting process for me to go through this... I have always been convinced that a miscarriage would be more than I could handle. That I would be completely devastated, and I am sad. I'm sad for all the hopes and dreams of that baby at this time that I lost, I'm sad that Elli will have to wait longer to become a big sister, but I have been amazed at the level of comfort that I have felt throughout this whole process.

I don't know what happens exactly in a miscarriage, I don't know why they have to happen, but I feel very strongly that the spirit that was supposed to come to our family at this time, is still coming. That the next pregnancy when the body is viable will be the same baby as this one. Maybe I'm wrong, but the truth is even if I am, it doesn't really matter. We are sealed together as a family in the temple of our God, and I firmly believe that either later in this life, or in the next that this baby that was coming in October, will still be my spirit to raise, will still be my little baby.

There are good days and bad days, but overall I just feel peace and a sense of a small, timid, little spirit ready to join our family whenever she decides she is ready. But you know what I feel most of all throughout all of this? I feel like God loves me. So much more than I could ever begin to describe. I feel that he has a plan for me, and that he is guiding me through it. I feel like he is holding me sheltered in the palm of his hand wishing he could take this away from me but knowing that he can't deprive me of the blessings this trial will bring into my life. I feel like he was preparing me throughout the rest of my pregnancy for this moment. I brought up my feelings about the blessings that I had received to Colton, and how I had wondered if they weren't promises for this pregnancy. Colton said that he wondered if they were God's way of sending the comfort that we would need at this point before we ever knew we needed it. I can't begin to describe the feelings of peace and conformation I felt at that statement.

God is always there. He knows keenly what we need before we ever think to ask for it. He is a wonderful loving father that never leaves us, especially in our times of extremity. I wish I wasn't asked to go through this trial at this point, but you know what? I know that he is in control. He guides my life and leads me down paths that I may not understand but that always bring me to greater happiness in the end. I have felt his love for me every moment through this last week, and he has constantly showered me with peace. He can do the same for you, he's there, just look up and reach for him.

General Updates, Graduation, and Moving to St George

Well, with everything going on in our life this blog kind of gets put on the back burner. I do really well at updates to Elli's blog but not so much this one. Unsurprising since shes the cutest one of the bunch anyway. To see more about her life and updates you can read my blog for her here:

http://ourveryfirstpeanut.blogspot.com/

The rest of us are doing good too. I am almost done with pharmacy school. Just 6.5 more months. 193 days to be exact until I graduate on May 6, 2016. I'm super excited. I have two weeks left on the rotation that I am currently on and then after that I have four more 6 week rotations left until I graduate. It's been a rough road but it's almost over. I don't currently have any jobs lined up, though I do have some really good possibilities that I won't find out about until this spring a little closer to graduation. I'm not too worried about it and wouldn't mind a little time off to spend with Elli after full time rotations for a year.

Colton is almost halfway through his second year of his master's in Occupational Therapy. After this semester he only has two semesters left of class and two semesters of 12 week rotations and then he'll graduate in May of 2017. He is doing amazing. His teacher on his fieldwork currently says that his intervention plans are good enough that she will be using them as examples for everyone else. Needless to say, I am very proud of him and how well he is doing. He will have classes this spring and next fall with rotations this upcoming summer and the spring of 2017. He is still unsure exactly what he wants to do, but we are leaning towards school distract OT which would be great because he's be off school when our kids are off school too.

But that brings me to my next point that we are super super excited about!! WE ARE MOVING TO ST GEORGE IN MAY!!!!! It was a tough decision, but we were hoping to eventually get to move down there after we both were graduated. But we got to thinking about it and after I have graduated and am looking for a job it would make it harder to get one and then move just a few months later after Colton graduates. So we were able to work it out with his teacher so that he will do his rotation over the summer at Dixie Regional, and then his rotation over the spring will be at Washington county school district. It does kind of make it hard that those two are broken up by a semester of classes but we decided that we will just rent an apartment in both places just for that fall semester so he can attend classes but we can move and be where we want to be. So we will live in Salt Lake as well as st. george for the 15 weeks of fall semester.

We can't wait to get down there and be closer to family, though I'm a little nervous about the heat...but it will be good. It makes graduation even more exciting than it already was. I can't wait.

Breastfeeding, Blessed, and Toddlerhood

Today was a very momentous, exciting, and heartbreaking day at our house. Now I know I promised a full life update, and I promise that is still in the works, but before that I just have to write about this too. My sad/happy news of today is very much in-line with my last post on here, but as of tonight, Elli is officially weaned from breastfeeding. She's been only nursing at bedtime for more than a month now but tonight she fell asleep without nursing and without any sadness. It's such a strange mix of emotions for me that she is done. Breastfeeding has been such a huge part of my life. I spent my entire pregnancy wanting to do it and then for the last 15 and a half months it has been an everyday thing, some days an all day thing.

I feel very grateful, blessed, and proud that I was able to nurse her for as long as I did, to be honest, I never expected to make it that long. I'm grateful for the bond it has helped me have with her, for the comfort I was able to give her when she was upset, for how easy it made putting her to sleep. While I'm excited for the next chapter in her life as she grows and learns, it's also quite heartbreaking that my little baby is growing up so fast. This just drives it home to me so much stronger, she's not a little baby anymore, she's my strong, smart, independent, toddler, and I love her with everything I am. So now if you'll excuse me, I need to go cry and celebrate for reaching this milestone.

Nursing, Nighttime, and Growing Up

I've had this topic a lot on my mind lately so I finally decided to write about it on this Mich neglected blog. This is mostly spurred because I have a friend who decided not to wean her 14 month old baby yet, because her baby isn't ready. She was then told by others that "nursing is for babies" and that she needed to be more strict with her toddler. Well, Elli is almost fifteen months. I still nurse her 2-4 times a day (judge me if you will I don't care.) Everyone I know has been so supportive of my breastfeeding journey and for that I'm so grateful. I know I couldn't have done it without their support, especially Colton's. I am starting to get asked a lot more when I'm going to wean Elli completely and the truth is, I don't know. When she decides she's ready I guess. But the truth is, it's more me that's not ready than it is her. I don't understand how I can be expected to give it up, that sweet quiet time every day that is ours. Watching her drift easily off to sleep as I comfort her as I have since she was born. It hurts, saddens, and scares me to think that once we stop it's gone. Never again will I have the cure that always fixes it when she sad, tired, teething, gotten shots, or has a fever. Never again will I be able to console her when she wakes up scared like I do now. And there is some thing about stopping, a finality to it that means my baby, isn't a baby anymore. And I'm not so sure I'll ever be ready for that.

I wish the world would be more silent. That they wouldn't feel the constant need to push us into making our babies grow up faster. From making them cry it out at a few months old, to stopping nursing just because your child reached some milestone of hitting 12 months old. The truth is they are little for such a short time. They will grow up and sleep through the night and those quiet moments will be gone. I'll be well rested, and love watching her grow but a part of me will always miss the baby times when she was my whole world but I was hers. So for now, I think I will just let my baby be little, and soak up this time before I blink and it's gone. Elli will let me know when she's ready to be done nursing, and by that time hopefully I'll be able to say the same for myself.

I do want to add a disclaimer...while I have loved nursing for as long as I have, and am grateful and proud that I was able to do so, I don't think moms who choose to bottle feed for ANY reason love their children any less or are any less  amazing of a parent.

Elli, Education, and Life in General.

I'm not the best at updating this blog anymore. I keep up with the one about Elli often enough that I kind of forget about this blog. But I guess it's time to update about me and Colton's life. Things have been kinda different this summer. I have my second year rotations, meaning I have worked unpaid for eight weeks. The school was really good and worked with me so both of my rotations have been in Cedar City, one at the hospital and one at township pharmacy. Which means that Colton and I have been living down here in Cedar for the last six weeks. We lived with his parents for the month of july and then are with my parents for this month until the weekend before school starts up again. I can't believe that I am through my second year. Halfway done with pharmacy school. I also only have one year left of classes ever in my whole life and then it will just be rotations for my last year. It's all going by so fast. I have really enjoyed it so far. I'm both excited and terrified that I am over half way done with pharmacy school. It's going to be a whole other world when I have to get a real job and all that.

Colton's school life is going well too. I don't remember when I last wrote so I'll just start from the beginning. He ended up getting on the waitlist for the Occupational Therapy program, which was incredibly stressful not knowing what was going to happen and if he needed to find a job if he wasn't going to get in or if we needed to have a daycare lined up so if he did. But after about two months they finally offered waitlist spots and he got one! We are so excited. There were only seven spots and 20 people on the list so we are pretty happy. We are both super excited for him to start. Once we found out that he was in we had to find a daycare, which we probably should have done sooner since for infants there are huge waitlists. All of them we could find close to the U had both large waitlists and also you have to pay for full time care even though we need only 12 hours a week this semester. Which 1200 a month for 12 hours a week was a little outside of our price range. We finally found one in Sandy that we like, that had an opening, and that we only had to pay for two days a week so we can actually afford it. I'm pretty excited about that. Then when we found out about Elli's cast, which you can read about here: http://ourveryfirstpeanut.blogspot.com/ I was pretty nervous about what our options were going to be and if the day care would still take her or if we were going to have to try and find a nanny. I called the daycare and they said they could accommodate her cast as long as we came in a few times to show them all the ropes with it. So we are so excited and feel very blessed that things have worked out so well with everything. So Colton will start up on the 22nd of this month.

I am still loving my job. I'll work just one day a week, most likely Saturdays so that we can have a little income and I can still work. Colton is going to take this first semester off work until he sees how hard his program will be and then if he feels like he can do it then he will try to find an on campus job to do so I guess we will see what happens with that.

We had our two year anniversary on 5/26. We didn't do much. Just went for a short hike and then went out to a nice dinner. It was nice just to have the time away from everything and not have Elli with us, that doesn't happen very often. Luckily she's usually pretty good though so it isn't too bad having her with us. We also had Sarah take some family pictures of us that turned out adorable! I seriously love them.

School, Semester, and Elli

Well. Big things are happening at the Savage house. The semester of school is going in full swing again with two weeks of the 16 down. It's been very stressful already with everything up in the air with the baby. But it's been good still. I have been able to work things out with my teachers so far for doing things at home for a little while with Elli. Which, she was born on January 13th, 2014. If you want to read about her birth story you can find it on her blog here.

http://ourveryfirstpeanut.blogspot.com/

Colton is doing great with school. He graduates with his degree in Human Development in May, and then he just found out that he has an interview for the Occupational Therapy program at the U so he will be doing that on February 14th, and then by the beginning of March we will know if he got in. I'm so proud of him already for getting as far as he has. So whatever happens now we know that his application is great because he got an interview and now we just get to wait and see again for a bit. 

My mom just graduated with her master degree in counseling and will walk in West Jordan the same weekend that Colton's graduation is. I'm really proud of her too. She has been working very hard to get to where she is now. Everyone else is good too. Dusty is almost two and is as cute as ever. I just can't believe how big he is already. 

But anyway. That's really everything. Our lives are really amazing. We are so blessed, more than we would ever hope for.  

Minutes, Miracles, and a Dare

It's been a little while since I've updated this blog. Most everything has been on my pregnancy blog instead of this one, and life has just been busy overall. But yeah, in case you missed it, we are having a baby!!! I will be 26 weeks tomorrow. Only 99 days left! It's going to be a little girl, due on January 15, 2014. We are so in love with her already! And since everyone asks, we have picked out the name Elli Bernice. Though it may or may not change at some point if we feel it just isn't what her name is supposed to be. Colton is hard at work with a crazy busy semester and will finish up his application for the U's master of OT program next week. Interviews are in February so keep sending up prayers that he gets one. I have no doubts that he will be fine and get in but it never hurts to have more people praying. I'm just going through my second year of pharmacy school and it's flying by faster than I can even comprehend.

I mostly just wanted to post because I wanted to talk about something I have started to learn since being pregnant. It's been a hard lesson for me, and one that I wish I would have learned earlier in my life. But it is a beautiful message to understand and know now. Anyone who knows me personally probably knows that I have some body image issues (what girl doesn't in our society, right) but mine are bad. I have little to no self-esteem at times and I struggle to feel like I am good enough, pretty enough, skinny enough, etc. But so many things have changed with this little life growing inside me. I have begun to realize and see my body for the incredible miracle that it truly is. It's amazing. Truly. It has the capacity to grow this little life, and provide her with everything she needs to become a whole person. It is strong, healthy. I can lift incredibly heavy objects for a women, I can hike for miles without stopping. I am working on my feet 20 hours a week, going to school full time with 18 graduate level credits, and 6 months pregnant, yet my body just keeps on going and giving me all it has to give. I walk one hour 4 days a week now, to and from class, and it just does it. It has run two half marathons in under 3 hours with no training, simply because I asked it to do so. It's always been amazing and has never let me down. So why do I hate it? HOW can I hate it? It is beautiful. It is a miracle unlike anything else in this world. And slowly, my whole world has been shifting around this concept. My body is imperfect. But I love it anyway. I love those imperfections that make me me. I love the fact that I have incredible strength and stamina that makes it possible for me to do everything I love and want to do, things that I might not be able to do if I had the perfect skinny body I used to dream of. My body has been good to me, and I want to start being as good to it as it is to me. I want to be able to instill in my daughter a love of her body. A realization of the miracle that she is, to me and otherwise. So I will still exercise, I still plan to run and train for a half-marathon next year, but it's different now. I don't want to run because maybe if I do so then I will be skinny and finally be worthy of my own love. I want to do it because I do love my body, I love it enough to treat it right. To exercise it and make it as healthy as it can be. And everything about that thought process is amazing.

So guess what? I dare you to try. To try and see your body for the miracle that it is instead of the imperfections that it has. To try and love it, because it is so good to you. It makes it possible for everything that you do and have and love to be available. I promise you that if you can do it, if you can find the miracle within yourself, your world will never be the same again.

New apartment, Nephew, and Life in general

We moved into our new apartment!! I'm so excited. I like it so much better than our old one. It's a little smaller than the old one was but it has two bedrooms and the space is just used sooooooo much better. I actually have some counter space, and a pantry and a coat closet and cupboards in my bathroom. Its so worth the move. We bought carpet and my dad came and helped us put it down then Colton's family helped us move everything over and unpack. I'm so grateful for all of the help everyone gave us. I love living here!! Our new living room and kitchen with awesome giant windows.

I also had to post a few pictures of my nephew because he is so stinking cute and I can't even believe how adorable he is!! I love this stinkin' kid!

Well, life is good right now. Just living and Colton is taking a summer physics class. I'm just enjoying my time off for the summer even though I'm working so much that it isn't really time off. At least my brain isn't being so overstimulated.

P2, Plans, and Summer

Well, I have officially survived my first year of pharmacy school!!! I cannot believe that I am now basically a P2. this last year went by so fast. I have almost been married for a year too. I can't believe how fast it has flown by. Pharmacy school has been good to be so far. My lowest grade is a B, which I'm not ashamed of at all. It's hard. But now I only have two years of classes left and then one of rotations. I can't believe that!! I will be done with school before I know it.

Colton's semester went great. He ended up getting a 4.0 this semester. I am so proud of him, but not really surprised. I knew he could do it. I'm really excited for him though, this gives him a great starting place on his prerequisites for applying to the OT program next fall.

Really that is all I have to say. Sad, well except that we are moving again in June. I'm so excited. The apartments that we are moving to have so much nicer kitchens, which is exciting. I'm not excited to move though. Which reminds me, my parents are moving. They have to be out of the old house by the end of may. I'm excited for them, but I'm also really sad. I grew up in that house, and it has a lot of memories, but it will be a good change as well. The new house is really nice. Although I haven't seen it since they started cleaning it up. I hope that will be next weekend. Well anyway, that's really all for now. This is a boring post, sorry, but it's late and I'm tired.

Procrastinating, Prayers, and General Updates

Well, it's been awhile I suppose, which means it is time for an update. Or really I am just incredibly tired of studying for my exams this week and some I'm trying to procrastinate a little....

Anyway, since my last post, let's see what has happen? Not a lot of big events that I can think of, unless I never posted about somethings, which is very likely. So, where to begin. My first semester of pharmacy school is over, and I passed. Thank heavens...With really good grades too I may add. Now, I didn't get a 4.0 by any stretch, but I worked hard for the grades I got and I'm proud of them. This semester has been going by in a whirlwind. I'm not quite as good as I was last semester at staying on top of things, and that makes it hard, but truth be told, I'm tired. I'm tired of school. I haven't stopped going to school since I was 5 years old, and I'm tired. I love school, I really do, and I don't know what I will do when it is no longer such a huge part of my life, but right now I'm tired. Well, only 69 days left this semester and then just three more years. I think I can handle that. I can't believe how fast my first year has already gone by! In everything. I have been married for almost nine months already. That is insane!

By anyway, Colton is also doing really great in school and enjoying it. He decided he wants to go into Occupational Therapy and is just finishing up his human development degree over the next year so he can apply for the masters program. He is working so hard this semester that I'm looking really lazy next to him, but I'm so proud of him, and I know he's going to be an amazing OT, so send some prayers our way that he will get into the program at the U next fall so he can be finishing up while I am.

My brother Adam got a job as a high way patrol man out in dusuene (I have no idea how to spell it) county out by Roosevelt. He seems to be really loving it, and I'm really proud of him. It's strange to consider that two of my siblings are in careers now and that I will be joining them in the near future. When did we get so old? Oh, and speaking of careers, my mom is almost finished with her masters degree, I think she finishes this year actually. Go Mommy! I'm so proud of all of my family for everything they are accomplishing.

Little Doodle Bug is getting cuter and cuter every second. He's crawling like a mad man now and is just starting to try and walk. He's growing up way too fast! But he gives everyone loves all the time and is seriously one of the happiest babies ever. He is also not allergic to milk anymore. Thank heavens, that was a pain, but we are still waiting for more allergy testing to find out about the wheat.

My in-laws are also doing great. They are so great at helping us out, they probably have no idea how much I depend on them. I am so grateful that I ended up marrying into a family that I like and get along with almost as much as my own. They seriously are the best, and they of course raised the most amazing man for me to marry and I will forever be grateful to them for that.

I guess I have procrastinated enough and should study for my test tomorrow. I will tell you, Pharmacy school is hard. Very very hard. but it's so worth every second.

Musings, Memories, and Random Thoughts

I have a lot of thoughts in my head right now, a lot of thoughts too big to be thinking about at almost midnight on a Saturday night, but I can't help but wonder. I wonder who I would be today if I hadn't decided to go where I did for college, if I hadn't decided to move away from Cedar City 5 years ago. How many things about my life and who I have become would be different? I miss Cedar, I won't deny that. I miss the little things. I miss the late night chats with Jake, laughing about my mom and her silly quirks. I miss sharing a room with Sarah and having her read me the news of the weird and her making me play life all the time. I miss waking up to the sound of my dad cooking on the weekends and talking to him while everyone else was still in bed, or just sitting with him even if we didn't talk. I miss getting to see my dog everyday. I miss feeling like no matter how hard things got, I could always go home and there would be warmth and love and family, and without fail, someone teasing me for being ridiculous. Yes, I miss that life sometimes and sometimes I regret that fact that I chose to leave it. That I was so ready to get out at that point, that I couldn't wait to get away.

But then again, in so many other ways, I don't regret it...As much as I love that sleepy little town that made me into the person that I was, I think I found myself in Salt Lake, found myself in a way I couldn't in Cedar City, Cedar made me into who I was, but Salt Lake made me into who I am. And don't get me wrong, I love my life now too. I love my husband, and I have just as much feeling of love and warmth in my apartment now as I did in my home back then, and I love being in pharmacy school, I love working in pharmacy, I love the life I living, but there is a part of me who is torn. A part of me that feels an insane amount of jealously for those who didn't accomplish the things that I have, but instead got married and now stay at home with their kids all the time. The whirlwind of the life I have chosen excites me, and makes me feel alive, and I feel that I am thriving in the difficulties of making it through this crazy rush of things, but there is a small corner of who I was, a small corner of that girl who used to sit in the kitchen on Saturday mornings with my dad, that misses the slow beauty there is to life to.

So, I guess I don't know what I'm saying. I guess you should be happy where you are at, because you can never have everything. But you can come pretty close. You can have the exciting life of accomplishment while getting a Doctorate degree, and you can also have the amazing husband who holds you while you sleep and takes care of things so you don't have to and creates a wonderful atmosphere of love to come home to. And I guess I'm saying that family is important, so don't take them for granted, because really, the people we love and care about are the only thing that really matters. And I guess I'm saying that I shouldn't stay up so late night after night because I become way to philosophical when really my life is good and even though I will always be homesick a little at times, I chose the life I wanted and the life that made me into the best me I could have become. I chose the life I was supposed to live, and I may always wonder who I would have been had I choose differently, but really, that doesn't matter, I will never know that person, but there person I know now is still a good one.

Excited, Exercise, and Soul-touched.

This post will be short. I just thought I would do a quick update. But today I got a really awesome bed frame all set up. I'm so excited to finally sleep in a real bed again! It's so pretty! Thanks in-laws! It was our christmas present, yes, it's a little early, but it was on a killer sale. And we finally put up the shelves that we bought months ago so now I have somewhere to put my cleaners and a super cute shelf in our room. Sweet, now I finally feel like I really live here. Hope I don't have to move any time soon. But anyway, pharmacy school is good. Kicking my butt, but good. Three tests, two quizzes and a paper due every other week, yeah, it tests what you are made of. But I am really enjoying it so far. And doing well. And I love my husband. A lot. I'm glad I have him to keep me sane and spoil me. Dusty is also getting so big. I'm so sad we couldn't go down and see him for his first Halloween and take him trick or treating, but with a test today late and one tomorrow morning and Colton working tonight it just wasn't doable. It's too bad. That kid gets cuter and cuter everyday.

But anyway, that's all I really have to say right now. Except this, Today as I was driving I saw this man who was pretty overweight walking with a few bags full of groceries several blocks away from the nearest grocery store. And for some reason it made me really proud, really proud that he was walking and least trying to do some form of exercise. I don't know him and I will probably never see him again, but something about him trying to better himself and improve his life touched my soul a little bit. I think that is what life is about. Improving ourselves and rejoicing when others take steps to do the same. It just makes me happy. That is all.

Details, Doodle, and Updates

So yeah,  I never blog very much anymore. Life is just crazy stressful. I have officially survived my first two weeks of pharmacy school. Including one test and four quizzes. Its a lot of work though. I seriously don't know how they expect us to do so much all the time. I have like 20+ pages of reading every day but I'm only working two days a week so I have actually a surprising amount of free-time still. I was however, 10 minutes late to my very first class of pharmacy school. Stupid shuttle system...and I didn't know where the back door to the classroom was so I had to go in the front door and ended up sitting in the middle of the very front row. After class I went to apologize to the professor for being late, and I seriously couldn't talk, I just stuttered and mixed all the words around backwards. Come to find out, my teacher that day was none other but the freakin' dean of the college!! I'm pretty sure I made a good impression on him...how embarrassing. But anyway I'm actually caught up or ahead in all of my classes. That surprises me. I'm not sure that has really happened since high school. Its a nice feeling, I hope I can make it last. I had my white coat ceremony last week. That was really fun. Kinda different. All my family came, except for Sarah because she couldn't get off work, which is okay. I'm really proud of her for how awesome of a teacher she is going to be, and a mom. My parents tended Dusty this weekend for her and so we went down to their hotel and went swimming with them. It's so funny. That kid is so stinkin' adorable. And he's not scared of anything. He loves swimming and just kicks and kicks his legs when you put him in the water. I just wish we got to see him more. He's growing so fast and is like a different kid every time I see him.

But other than school life if great. I love being married so much. 3 months and it just keeps getting better. I could have picked a better time to get married or a better man to marry. I am seriously one of the luckiest girls in the whole world. I can't believe we have already lived in our apartment for almost a month. It really is so much better than where we lived for the summer. It has air conditioning. And the ward is great, I think we live with some of the best people there are around. We also finally got most of the pictures hung up in our apartment other than the prints from our wedding that we haven't gotten yet, but really it looks great.

But anyway...That's really everything...Sorry not the most exciting blog post, but hey, it's still a post right?

Graduation, Getting Married, and Updates

Well, it has been far to long since I have updated all of you on the happenings of my life. And honestly I don’t know where to start. I graduated from my undergraduate degree, and though it isn’t quite as stellar as my high school, my lowest grade was a B-. So still no C’s, though who knows how long that will stay the case now. I ended up getting into pharmacy school at the University of Utah, after getting wait listed. Which was hard for me. I was accepted to both Idaho State and Roseman, and after finally deciding to go to Idaho and that I was okay with it, I was offered a spot at the U. The day after I sent my tuition deposit to Idaho. Talk about timing. I was able to get me deposit refunded at least, and I guess I just need to be grateful that I had options to choose from. That being said though, I’m incredibly grateful that I ended up at the U instead of in Idaho. Pocatello is nice, but too far away, and far too cold. So I will be starting Pharmacy school in about two months. I can’t really believe that. Four more years and I will have a career and technically be a doctor…Weird. Anyway…

So yeah, that’s all with school. I also have been married now for over 3 weeks. That is crazy strange. Being married is great though. I have probably the most amazing husband in the entire world, who spoils me much more than I deserve. It’s so nice to not have to send him home at the end of the night knowing that I won’t see him for a couple of weeks. Yes, I love being married, I love knowing that at the end of the day, I get to come home to him. I love waking up in the morning and having him be there. It’s definitely a life worth living. The wedding was fantastic. It was everything I could have wanted, except for the fact that the weather sucked so we had to move it inside, but my family did a fantastic job decorating so it didn’t really matter all that much anyway. My dad did such a fantastic job planning. I’m glad he was around and willing to do it, because I don’t know what would have happened without him. It probably wouldn’t have been much of a wedding. But I will post some pictures as soon as I get a copy of the CD of them from my parents. I had some really awesome friends come that meant a lot to me. Some who got up incredibly early and drop all the way down from Northern Utah, just to be there. You guys are amazing. Thanks for being awesome! Also one of my really good friends from Cedar was getting married at the St. George temple at the same time in the sealing room next to ours so we got to take some pictures with her after so that was really great too. Colton said yes way to early during the sealing though. Well, I guess he was just incredibly anxious to be married to me. Can't say that I blame him...

We went on a cruise for our honeymoon to cabo san lucas and puerta vallerta. It was a blast. Seriously amazing. But of course, we forgot a camera and so we have basically no pictures. Although we did buy a disposable one and are just waiting for the prints to be done. I'm excited to see them. We also are moved into our apartment, where we will be living for at least the summer. It's a cute little basement apartment in Sugarhouse. I love it but we will probably move back on campus into the married housing once school starts. Colton also got a job as a front end supervisor/cashier in the store that I work at. So that has been great. They have been so good to us and have given him full time hours for the summer, which is awesome since we have no money. And I'm in the process of getting an intern spot lined up at my current job too so I can get my school hours in and still get paid for it. Awesome. So yeah, short and sweet version of the last three months. Dusty is as cute as every and getting more adorable everyday. My parents got another st. bernard/mastiff mix to try and replace Steiger. And SB (Sarah Beth) got a teaching job over in Emery county and so she will be moving soon too. Yes, lI will try to do better at updating more often, but with being a newlywed and in my first year of pharmacy school, no guarentees. 

Oh, I also am writing this blog from the brand new laptop Colton's parents bought me for a wedding present. It's awesome!!! I'm so excited to actually have a computer that works. I also have a kitchen-aid now. Yes, life is good.  

Journey, Jogging, and Remembering

Wow, two posts within a month, I think I may be setting a new record for me...no, not really, I used to be a lot better at blogging before life got so busy, oh and did I mention that every single time I write the words a lot I spell it alot and have to erase it and rewrite it...every single time... You would think I would have learned by now, but of course I haven't.  But anyway. Life is a funny thing you know that? It has a way of throwing things at you that you never saw coming and moving so fast while still moving incredibly slow until you want to scream from the anticipation of the unknown. But that isn't really what I wanted to blog about, I wanted to blog about what has been a recurring theme of mine for basically the entire exsistance of this blog, and that is my running journey.

I'm a little ashamed to admit that for the last several months I kind of fell off the wagon, like hardcore fell of the wagon, hard enough to get road rash sort of falling off the wagon. I just never got back into it as much after my marathon attempt. I did run another half marathon in September, but my heart just wasn't into it really. I just forgot to remember why I was doing it. I run because it makes me happy. It makes me feel good. It makes me remember that I am better than I think I am, that I can do so much more than I think I am capable of, I run because that sore muscle feeling is one of the best. I run because I can help prove to everyone else that if I can do it than so can they. I run because it makes me a better person, both physically and emotionally. And I love that. I love how just maybe the fact that I get out and run might inspire someone else to get started, to remember all the things about themselves that makes them great. I love the sense of companionship you find with people you have never met before when you run. The way you feel like you can know a little bit about them and understand them just a little and that they can understand you a little better too. There is a connection there between complete strangers that I haven't really found anywhere else. And I forgot that this last little while. And I've missed it in a way I didn't really understand. I would go out occasionally to attempt to pick it back up, but I never made it more than one day or so, I just couldn't quite figure out what it was that was missing.

Then this week suddenly it was like something snapped back into place inside of me. Something I hadn't realized was out of place. I went for a run and out of no where on the last quarter mile, I remembered!! I remembered that I love this. I love the way it makes me feel. I love the way I feel about myself when I finish. I love how after every single run I want to go out and convince everyone I care about to do the same because I want them to be able to feel like I feel in that moment. Because everyone deserves to feel like that. There are so many small victories in running. That's why I love it so much. Because there are so many little things to focus on, like today I went out and ran about 3 miles. I haven't done that in probably four months, actually probably even longer, probably since my last half marathon in September, and it felt good. I'm kind of sore now, but I love that in and of itself. And you know what? I wanted to push myself farther. I didn't want to quit. I just wanted to run and run and lose all of the stress and thoughts in my head that have been trying to overwhelm me this last week. While I was running, school didn't matter, where I was living next month didn't matter, everything I need to get done before graduation and the wedding just didn't matter. There was just my feet and the road and the desire to be better. I LOVE that.

And so now, I think I can officially say that I am back on the running front, because I have remembered why I am doing it. I still have never gotten to the point where I felt I could really call myself a run, but rather I'm just someone who chooses to run occasionally, but I think this time, that is finally going to change. I think in a  year from now I will be able to finally say that I am definitely a runner. I look forward to being able to tell you all that. So since there hasn't been one for awhile, I dare you to find what you love, to remember why you love it, and to do it. I dare you to remember who you are and then when you do, encourage someone else to go out and do the same. Oh, and side note. I just read this book called the Present by Spencer Johnson, definitely a must read if you are struggling with anything in your life. I think it could help.

Wedding plans, Waiting, and Dusty Doodle

Okay, so this blog has been neglected for awhile. I've been meaning to do an update for about two months now, but life is just so busy that I haven't gotten around to it. But anyway, here goes. Life is great. Seriously, it's hard but it's amazing. The wedding is fast approaching and we are down to about 9 1/2 weeks before the big day. I can't believe how quickly it's coming. I'm getting all excited and nervous now everytime I think about it. Things are mostly planned by now so it's coming together. I have my dress, flowers picked out but not yet ordered, engagements taken, everything set up to take bridals in a couple of weeks, I'm just working on invitations now, it's crazy. The one thing we don't have yet is a place to live after we are married but it's difficult because we don't know where we will be living yet....

I still have only heard from one pharmacy school. I was accepted at Roseman University of Health Sciences at their Utah Campus so that is exciting. It's my 3rd choice of the three but I'm going to pharmacy school regardless. I was wait listed at the U...:( sad. Not exactly what I was hoping for but there is still a chance  that i could get in there, and I have yet to hear back from Idaho State so everything is still very up in the air right now. It's stressful since I am graduating in like five weeks and still have no idea where I will be living. But I'm excited. It's getting harder to be engaged. I just want to be married to that man already. It seriously is so hard to have to leave him and know I won't see him for another two weeks. Man do I hate this long distance relationship thing. But I love him so much, he is worth all the frustrations that come with it.

Now, about 7 or so weeks ago, on February 1st, my sister had a little boy, a whopping 7 weeks early. That little cookie was sure in a hurry to get here. His due date is tomorrow. Silly baby. He is healthy though and doing great. She named his Dustin Michael Gibbs, little Dusty. Goodness he is the most precious baby ever. It sucks that I don't get to see him very often but what can you do. I love his stinkin' little face. My parents are loving being grandparents and are so silly about him it's hilarious. My mom is seriously the biggest baby hog ever. She doesn't share. It's funny though because it makes Colton even more baby hungry than he already is, and I have to admit, there is something about holding something so precious while he has his arm around me that makes me want one too... I'm not in a rush to have one, but I guess we will see what the Lord has in store for us and when it's time to have one.

Engaged, Eve, and the Rest of Forever

So, it has been a little while since I have updated, and I know I need to get on the ball with that a little. Just in the hustle and bustle that is life I have kinda of forgotten about this blog a little. Life is basically amazing. As most of you probably know, I just got engaged last Saturday. A week ago today. It's weird that it was only a week ago, in some ways it feels like I have been for a long time. It is just strange because I really just feel like this is what my life was always meant to be. Like everything before him was just a dream and didn't really exist. I never in a million years would have guess that I would be engaged to someone only three months after I started dating them. But he proposed to me exactly three months after our first date, and I've never been happier or more excited to say yes to something in my entire life. People keep asking how he asked me, so I will tell you too. It was fairly simple, which I'm glad about. He talked to my parents the week before (I know right, what an adorable guy), which I didn't know that he had done, and then came up to Salt Lake to visit me. We went to the temple that morning to do baptisms, and I had absolutely no idea what he was planning, it was actually pretty funny. In the confirmation room the temple workers asked if we were married. We told them not yet, so they asked if we were engaged. Colton said no, and I joking said, "No, someone has to get on the ball and actually ask me..." totally just kidding, with no idea what was coming, and spent the rest of the time in the temple reminding myself later to tell him that I was just kidding and that I hoped he didn't feel like I was pressuring him into asking me before he wanted to. It's also really funny because we ended up in the middle of a rather large youth group doing baptisms so we were there for awhile, while I was just enjoying being in the temple, he was dying. He said he didn't think it was ever going to end, and then he had to wait even longer for me to get ready after baptisms, while he paced the hallway like crazy. But he says when he saw me come out of the dressing room and down the stairs his heart leaped like crazy and he got really excited to ask me. As we were leaving the temple he said he wanted to look around, which made me wonder what was going on, but not too bad, then he walked around to one of the fountains and said a few things that were really adorable and basically perfect, then went down on one knee and asked me. Yes, he did go down on one knee. I think I went into shock. I immediately said yes, but didn't really react much other than that. Until he had stood up and put the ring on me and then hugged me, then it really hit me. I got so excited that I think I screamed...probably in his ear. Then we just spent the rest of the day together, telling people, enjoy each others company, and enjoying the gorgeous ring that he picked out for me. That man has dang good taste. I seriously LOVE it. I don't think he could have found something I loved more if he tried.

But anyway, so yeah, I'm engaged. And starting to plan my wedding. It's stressful, but exciting. Every morning when I put my ring back on I get just a little more excited to be married to him. His so amazing. I don't know how I got so lucky to find someone who is so sweet and adorable to me. I just love him. That is all, just love him. I don't know if there is really a word to describe how I feel about him, but that one will have to suffice. But I'll tell you, wedding planning sucks. I wish someone else could just figure it all out for me, but I guess one day of planning for the rest of my life with him is worth it.

This semester is over. Thank goodness. It was a rough one. I pulled surprisingly decent grades, I don't think I earned them, actually I know I didn't earn them, but I will be happy and grateful for them anyway. I can't believe that I only have one more semester left before I graduate. I would like to know what happened to my entire undergraduate degree. But it's okay. Life is good. I'm just happy. And today is Christmas Eve. My favorite day of the entire year. I just love it. I love the anticipation that it brings, and I love the family traditions that we have. So enjoy the holidays!!

Moments, Memories, and Finals

Have you ever been able to look back on your life and pinpoint the exact moment where it began to change drastically? Exactly 100 days ago, almost to the hour, I received a text message from an old friend that I haven't heard from and have barely thought about in almost 8 years. That text message surprised me, and intrigued by how he had gotten my phone number, I responded, and we began talking. I didn't think much of it, other than "oh, what a fun blast from the past." It's funny how naive I was about what so simple a thing as answering that text would end up meaning. I am now dating that friend, and I have never been more happy in my entire life. He is amazing. He makes me smile, he makes me laugh, and he makes me feel better about myself than I ever have. When I look back at where I was 100 days ago, I don't even feel like it was the same lifetime as I am in now. It's like everything before him just isn't quite real, because this is what life was always meant to be. Me and him. Except the small fact that he lives in Cedar and I live in Salt Lake. That sucks. A lot. It's harder than I ever thought it would be. I miss him every moment. But he is so worth every second. I live for the weekends that I get to spend with him. I love him. Plain and simple. The last 100 days have just been amazing. Everyone of them. We've had some trials, but even those I don't regret. They have just made me love him more. So, here's to the next 100 days.

Did I ever post about getting an interview to pharmacy school? Well if not, I have an interview to Roseman University of Health Sciences in January. I'm so nervous! I really hope I get into at least one of the schools that I have applied to. Preferably the U, but I'm not too picky.

This semester is sucking school-wise. I just don't care about my classes. They don't interest me and it's a problem. I'm borderline failing a class. Which I never thought would happen to me. I hope it doesn't, but if it does, it's not the end of the world. I have decided that I need to learn to let myself fail occasionally, not that I'm going to fail on purpose, but sometimes I have such high expectations of myself that they are impossible to live up to and I'm tired of being upset with myself for not making it to a point that I set to high in the first place. So if I fail, it will suck, but life will go on and I will make up for it next semester. But I guess I should be doing studies instead of blogging right now anyway, so I'd better go. Just remember to not hate yourself if you don't quite make it to the goal you set. Just pick yourself back up and start again. Sometimes failing can teach you more about yourself than succeeding will.

Growing, Good Job, and Adam

Today's post goes out to my older brother. Adam, if you read this, I'm so proud of you!! For those of you who don't know Adam, he decided this spring that he wanted to change his life. And he sure has done an awesome job of it. Over the summer he has lost almost 100 pounds and has started on his way to a career that I think he will be really good at. But this weekend was the Snow Canyon Half Marathon. And he decided to run it. And holy cow did he run it. This was his first ever race and he finished in 1:55. I am extremely impressed. It sure blows my first time of 2:50 out of the water. It just goes to show that it is possible. For anyone. If you decide to take that first step, and then each little step after that, you can do it. And you will never regret it. So stop doubting yourself. Stop thinking that you aren't good enough, or strong enough, or whatever it is that you think, just stop. Get up, and get out there! Change your life, change your world, and then return the favor and inspire other people to do the same. It's hard, every second of changing is hard, but there's not a single person who has done it who won't tell you that it's worth it. Good job Adam. Keep it up!