Remembering, rainbows, and faith

As I sat here this morning feeding my baby, the date finally hit me. Today is March 23rd. Yesterday was March 22nd. Those are two days that are forever going to be burned into my heart and soul. You see, I've year ago on March 22nd, I went into a doctor's appointment, completely ecstatic to be there so I could finally let go of fear and announce our eleven week pregnancy to the world. But that wasn't going to happen. That day, instead, was to become one of pain, where fear instead won. A day that broke my heart. We found out that day, that the baby had stopped growing weeks before. That all of my fears were for a reason. We found out that day that our lives were going to change.

March 23rd, 2016, I'll admit was worse. Maybe that's hard to believe. What could be worse then finding out you had lost a baby that you had known strongly was waiting to join your family for over a year. It's simple really. One year ago today, I took medication to make my body do what it should have done naturally weeks before. A medication to force me to actually live and feel the truth. And it hurt. Physically, and in every way you can hurt. But, thankfully, it worked and did what it was supposed to.

Despite the pain of those days, I also felt a surprisingly level of peace. I reminder that things were going to be okay. And one year ago today, I applied for a job I wouldn't have if the pregnancy would have continued. A job I wouldn't have even known existed because I wasn't looking for a job because of the baby. A job that I would interview for and get a month later. A job that would put me exactly where I always hoped and dreamed I'd be.

Now, I don't know what you believe about miscarriages, I've heard all kinds of opinions, that you get to raise that baby in heaven, that the baby tries again in another pregnancy, even that they don't mean anything. But for me, for this one pregnancy I lost...I know, with as much surety as you can have about something like this, that that pregnancy, just didn't have the right timing. Emma, my little baby now was that pregnancy. She was the same spirit that I'd been feeling so strongly for a full year telling me she was waiting to come to our family. But the first pregnancy had to end the way it did.

Because we needed things from that miscarriage. I needed my job I have now. We needed to move to cedar and get to be with family. Elli needed to be a little older. And most importantly, I needed a reminder in my faith. A reminder that despite the dark days, God is so good. God is there striving to lift us above the pain that this mortal experience sometimes can bring us. That we are all so loved, and known personally.

Yes. March 22nd and 23rd of 2016 were dark days for me. Ones I wouldn't wish on anyone. Yet they are days I'm not sure I would take away if I could because of the strength they taught me to have, and the lessons they taught me about grace. And despite the pain of losing the pregnancy, I have my baby still. Either, as I believe, in the sweet, strong spirit currently sleeping next to me, or in a spirit I'll raise eventually as part of my eternal family. But no matter what we have been blessed beyond what we probably deserve.

Emma Claire, is my beautiful rainbow, and even though the storm changed me, I wouldn't wish to take it back. Where it got me is far too important.

Because sometimes...life is hard.

I've been seriously debating writing this post...It's hard to write, and I worry about it being so fresh and being hard for others, but I don't know. I feel the need to get my feelings out, and that I owe it to God to share my testimony of the wonderful help he has given me through this time.

On January 31st of this year, I got a positive pregnancy test. I was so excited. We had been trying for a few months and I seemed to feel an instant overwhelming love for the little one I was lucky enough to be carrying. But even then, the worries started. Over the last few years I have known so many amazing women go through miscarriages, and that was in the back of my mind. I remember one morning after taking the third pregnancy test I had taken and feeling like the line wasn't darkening as fast as it should, crying out in my heart to God, telling him that I couldn't handle a miscarriage, that I just needed this pregnancy to go perfect. And I remember the overwhelming peace that washed over me in that moment. The reminder that God is there, he is in control, and most of all, that he loves me. And so I moved forward thinking that was the end of it.

But the concerns about something going wrong during this pregnancy never really left me. I'm not normally like that, I'm not a doomsday type of person and I just tend to assume that bad things won't happen to me, so it was a little strange that I just couldn't let the idea that something was going to go wrong go. It wasn't really a fear, or even anxiety, just a thought and idea that wouldn't seem to leave my mind. I figured as soon as we saw the heartbeat for the first time, everything would be fine and I could finally have that thought leave me alone. So on February 26th, we had our first appointment. I was 7 weeks 2 days, and there was a strong heartbeat at 156 bpm. I was excited and happy, and Elli was adorable telling everyone about her "baby in the water".

And for that day everything was good. But the thoughts just kept coming back. I started to realize I knew people that had things go wrong even after a heart beat was seen and I just couldn't seem to let it go. Colton gave me several blessings, and in several of them promised me that I would have a healthy baby with no complications. Normally when I have blessings of that nature, I feel overwhelmed with peace and reassurance, but after them, the only thought I kept having was "yes, maybe I'll have a healthy pregnancy but not necessarily with this baby" and that is so not like me so I just tried to ignore it. I took pictures for our announcement, but I couldn't bring myself to post them, was far too nervous about what was going to happen. And so I just told myself, it was all going to be okay, that we would have our next appointment with another ultrasound and everything would be fine and then I could announce and finally let my thoughts about miscarriage go.

On March 22nd we went in for my next appointment. The midwife tried to find the heartbeat with a doppler first but couldn't locate it, and somehow, in that moment I think I knew...She took us in for an ultrasound but we couldn't see anything. We were sent down to the radiology department in the hospital for an official ultrasound. Colton couldn't come back with me since we had Elli with us, so as I walked into that room alone and they started doing an ultrasound without saying a single word to me the entire time, I felt a little lost.  In that moment, I cried out to God, I begged him that I could have the faith to get through this. I didn't ask that things would be okay, I think I knew it wouldn't be, just that somehow I could have the faith that I needed.

A few hours after the ultrasound we got the report...The baby had no heartbeat, and had stopped growing at 7 weeks and 6 days, just 4 days after our first appointment and first ultrasound. I'm still not sure I know how to process that entirely. I just have to realize that there was nothing I could have done, and nothing I did for this to happen but that it is a part of life.

It has been an interesting process for me to go through this... I have always been convinced that a miscarriage would be more than I could handle. That I would be completely devastated, and I am sad. I'm sad for all the hopes and dreams of that baby at this time that I lost, I'm sad that Elli will have to wait longer to become a big sister, but I have been amazed at the level of comfort that I have felt throughout this whole process.

I don't know what happens exactly in a miscarriage, I don't know why they have to happen, but I feel very strongly that the spirit that was supposed to come to our family at this time, is still coming. That the next pregnancy when the body is viable will be the same baby as this one. Maybe I'm wrong, but the truth is even if I am, it doesn't really matter. We are sealed together as a family in the temple of our God, and I firmly believe that either later in this life, or in the next that this baby that was coming in October, will still be my spirit to raise, will still be my little baby.

There are good days and bad days, but overall I just feel peace and a sense of a small, timid, little spirit ready to join our family whenever she decides she is ready. But you know what I feel most of all throughout all of this? I feel like God loves me. So much more than I could ever begin to describe. I feel that he has a plan for me, and that he is guiding me through it. I feel like he is holding me sheltered in the palm of his hand wishing he could take this away from me but knowing that he can't deprive me of the blessings this trial will bring into my life. I feel like he was preparing me throughout the rest of my pregnancy for this moment. I brought up my feelings about the blessings that I had received to Colton, and how I had wondered if they weren't promises for this pregnancy. Colton said that he wondered if they were God's way of sending the comfort that we would need at this point before we ever knew we needed it. I can't begin to describe the feelings of peace and conformation I felt at that statement.

God is always there. He knows keenly what we need before we ever think to ask for it. He is a wonderful loving father that never leaves us, especially in our times of extremity. I wish I wasn't asked to go through this trial at this point, but you know what? I know that he is in control. He guides my life and leads me down paths that I may not understand but that always bring me to greater happiness in the end. I have felt his love for me every moment through this last week, and he has constantly showered me with peace. He can do the same for you, he's there, just look up and reach for him.

General Updates, Graduation, and Moving to St George

Well, with everything going on in our life this blog kind of gets put on the back burner. I do really well at updates to Elli's blog but not so much this one. Unsurprising since shes the cutest one of the bunch anyway. To see more about her life and updates you can read my blog for her here:

http://ourveryfirstpeanut.blogspot.com/

The rest of us are doing good too. I am almost done with pharmacy school. Just 6.5 more months. 193 days to be exact until I graduate on May 6, 2016. I'm super excited. I have two weeks left on the rotation that I am currently on and then after that I have four more 6 week rotations left until I graduate. It's been a rough road but it's almost over. I don't currently have any jobs lined up, though I do have some really good possibilities that I won't find out about until this spring a little closer to graduation. I'm not too worried about it and wouldn't mind a little time off to spend with Elli after full time rotations for a year.

Colton is almost halfway through his second year of his master's in Occupational Therapy. After this semester he only has two semesters left of class and two semesters of 12 week rotations and then he'll graduate in May of 2017. He is doing amazing. His teacher on his fieldwork currently says that his intervention plans are good enough that she will be using them as examples for everyone else. Needless to say, I am very proud of him and how well he is doing. He will have classes this spring and next fall with rotations this upcoming summer and the spring of 2017. He is still unsure exactly what he wants to do, but we are leaning towards school distract OT which would be great because he's be off school when our kids are off school too.

But that brings me to my next point that we are super super excited about!! WE ARE MOVING TO ST GEORGE IN MAY!!!!! It was a tough decision, but we were hoping to eventually get to move down there after we both were graduated. But we got to thinking about it and after I have graduated and am looking for a job it would make it harder to get one and then move just a few months later after Colton graduates. So we were able to work it out with his teacher so that he will do his rotation over the summer at Dixie Regional, and then his rotation over the spring will be at Washington county school district. It does kind of make it hard that those two are broken up by a semester of classes but we decided that we will just rent an apartment in both places just for that fall semester so he can attend classes but we can move and be where we want to be. So we will live in Salt Lake as well as st. george for the 15 weeks of fall semester.

We can't wait to get down there and be closer to family, though I'm a little nervous about the heat...but it will be good. It makes graduation even more exciting than it already was. I can't wait.

Breastfeeding, Blessed, and Toddlerhood

Today was a very momentous, exciting, and heartbreaking day at our house. Now I know I promised a full life update, and I promise that is still in the works, but before that I just have to write about this too. My sad/happy news of today is very much in-line with my last post on here, but as of tonight, Elli is officially weaned from breastfeeding. She's been only nursing at bedtime for more than a month now but tonight she fell asleep without nursing and without any sadness. It's such a strange mix of emotions for me that she is done. Breastfeeding has been such a huge part of my life. I spent my entire pregnancy wanting to do it and then for the last 15 and a half months it has been an everyday thing, some days an all day thing.

I feel very grateful, blessed, and proud that I was able to nurse her for as long as I did, to be honest, I never expected to make it that long. I'm grateful for the bond it has helped me have with her, for the comfort I was able to give her when she was upset, for how easy it made putting her to sleep. While I'm excited for the next chapter in her life as she grows and learns, it's also quite heartbreaking that my little baby is growing up so fast. This just drives it home to me so much stronger, she's not a little baby anymore, she's my strong, smart, independent, toddler, and I love her with everything I am. So now if you'll excuse me, I need to go cry and celebrate for reaching this milestone.

Nursing, Nighttime, and Growing Up

I've had this topic a lot on my mind lately so I finally decided to write about it on this Mich neglected blog. This is mostly spurred because I have a friend who decided not to wean her 14 month old baby yet, because her baby isn't ready. She was then told by others that "nursing is for babies" and that she needed to be more strict with her toddler. Well, Elli is almost fifteen months. I still nurse her 2-4 times a day (judge me if you will I don't care.) Everyone I know has been so supportive of my breastfeeding journey and for that I'm so grateful. I know I couldn't have done it without their support, especially Colton's. I am starting to get asked a lot more when I'm going to wean Elli completely and the truth is, I don't know. When she decides she's ready I guess. But the truth is, it's more me that's not ready than it is her. I don't understand how I can be expected to give it up, that sweet quiet time every day that is ours. Watching her drift easily off to sleep as I comfort her as I have since she was born. It hurts, saddens, and scares me to think that once we stop it's gone. Never again will I have the cure that always fixes it when she sad, tired, teething, gotten shots, or has a fever. Never again will I be able to console her when she wakes up scared like I do now. And there is some thing about stopping, a finality to it that means my baby, isn't a baby anymore. And I'm not so sure I'll ever be ready for that.

I wish the world would be more silent. That they wouldn't feel the constant need to push us into making our babies grow up faster. From making them cry it out at a few months old, to stopping nursing just because your child reached some milestone of hitting 12 months old. The truth is they are little for such a short time. They will grow up and sleep through the night and those quiet moments will be gone. I'll be well rested, and love watching her grow but a part of me will always miss the baby times when she was my whole world but I was hers. So for now, I think I will just let my baby be little, and soak up this time before I blink and it's gone. Elli will let me know when she's ready to be done nursing, and by that time hopefully I'll be able to say the same for myself.

I do want to add a disclaimer...while I have loved nursing for as long as I have, and am grateful and proud that I was able to do so, I don't think moms who choose to bottle feed for ANY reason love their children any less or are any less  amazing of a parent.

Elli, Education, and Life in General.

I'm not the best at updating this blog anymore. I keep up with the one about Elli often enough that I kind of forget about this blog. But I guess it's time to update about me and Colton's life. Things have been kinda different this summer. I have my second year rotations, meaning I have worked unpaid for eight weeks. The school was really good and worked with me so both of my rotations have been in Cedar City, one at the hospital and one at township pharmacy. Which means that Colton and I have been living down here in Cedar for the last six weeks. We lived with his parents for the month of july and then are with my parents for this month until the weekend before school starts up again. I can't believe that I am through my second year. Halfway done with pharmacy school. I also only have one year left of classes ever in my whole life and then it will just be rotations for my last year. It's all going by so fast. I have really enjoyed it so far. I'm both excited and terrified that I am over half way done with pharmacy school. It's going to be a whole other world when I have to get a real job and all that.

Colton's school life is going well too. I don't remember when I last wrote so I'll just start from the beginning. He ended up getting on the waitlist for the Occupational Therapy program, which was incredibly stressful not knowing what was going to happen and if he needed to find a job if he wasn't going to get in or if we needed to have a daycare lined up so if he did. But after about two months they finally offered waitlist spots and he got one! We are so excited. There were only seven spots and 20 people on the list so we are pretty happy. We are both super excited for him to start. Once we found out that he was in we had to find a daycare, which we probably should have done sooner since for infants there are huge waitlists. All of them we could find close to the U had both large waitlists and also you have to pay for full time care even though we need only 12 hours a week this semester. Which 1200 a month for 12 hours a week was a little outside of our price range. We finally found one in Sandy that we like, that had an opening, and that we only had to pay for two days a week so we can actually afford it. I'm pretty excited about that. Then when we found out about Elli's cast, which you can read about here: http://ourveryfirstpeanut.blogspot.com/ I was pretty nervous about what our options were going to be and if the day care would still take her or if we were going to have to try and find a nanny. I called the daycare and they said they could accommodate her cast as long as we came in a few times to show them all the ropes with it. So we are so excited and feel very blessed that things have worked out so well with everything. So Colton will start up on the 22nd of this month.

I am still loving my job. I'll work just one day a week, most likely Saturdays so that we can have a little income and I can still work. Colton is going to take this first semester off work until he sees how hard his program will be and then if he feels like he can do it then he will try to find an on campus job to do so I guess we will see what happens with that.

We had our two year anniversary on 5/26. We didn't do much. Just went for a short hike and then went out to a nice dinner. It was nice just to have the time away from everything and not have Elli with us, that doesn't happen very often. Luckily she's usually pretty good though so it isn't too bad having her with us. We also had Sarah take some family pictures of us that turned out adorable! I seriously love them.

School, Semester, and Elli

Well. Big things are happening at the Savage house. The semester of school is going in full swing again with two weeks of the 16 down. It's been very stressful already with everything up in the air with the baby. But it's been good still. I have been able to work things out with my teachers so far for doing things at home for a little while with Elli. Which, she was born on January 13th, 2014. If you want to read about her birth story you can find it on her blog here.

http://ourveryfirstpeanut.blogspot.com/

Colton is doing great with school. He graduates with his degree in Human Development in May, and then he just found out that he has an interview for the Occupational Therapy program at the U so he will be doing that on February 14th, and then by the beginning of March we will know if he got in. I'm so proud of him already for getting as far as he has. So whatever happens now we know that his application is great because he got an interview and now we just get to wait and see again for a bit. 

My mom just graduated with her master degree in counseling and will walk in West Jordan the same weekend that Colton's graduation is. I'm really proud of her too. She has been working very hard to get to where she is now. Everyone else is good too. Dusty is almost two and is as cute as ever. I just can't believe how big he is already. 

But anyway. That's really everything. Our lives are really amazing. We are so blessed, more than we would ever hope for.