March 23rd, 2016, I'll admit was worse. Maybe that's hard to believe. What could be worse then finding out you had lost a baby that you had known strongly was waiting to join your family for over a year. It's simple really. One year ago today, I took medication to make my body do what it should have done naturally weeks before. A medication to force me to actually live and feel the truth. And it hurt. Physically, and in every way you can hurt. But, thankfully, it worked and did what it was supposed to.
Despite the pain of those days, I also felt a surprisingly level of peace. I reminder that things were going to be okay. And one year ago today, I applied for a job I wouldn't have if the pregnancy would have continued. A job I wouldn't have even known existed because I wasn't looking for a job because of the baby. A job that I would interview for and get a month later. A job that would put me exactly where I always hoped and dreamed I'd be.
Now, I don't know what you believe about miscarriages, I've heard all kinds of opinions, that you get to raise that baby in heaven, that the baby tries again in another pregnancy, even that they don't mean anything. But for me, for this one pregnancy I lost...I know, with as much surety as you can have about something like this, that that pregnancy, just didn't have the right timing. Emma, my little baby now was that pregnancy. She was the same spirit that I'd been feeling so strongly for a full year telling me she was waiting to come to our family. But the first pregnancy had to end the way it did.
Because we needed things from that miscarriage. I needed my job I have now. We needed to move to cedar and get to be with family. Elli needed to be a little older. And most importantly, I needed a reminder in my faith. A reminder that despite the dark days, God is so good. God is there striving to lift us above the pain that this mortal experience sometimes can bring us. That we are all so loved, and known personally.
Yes. March 22nd and 23rd of 2016 were dark days for me. Ones I wouldn't wish on anyone. Yet they are days I'm not sure I would take away if I could because of the strength they taught me to have, and the lessons they taught me about grace. And despite the pain of losing the pregnancy, I have my baby still. Either, as I believe, in the sweet, strong spirit currently sleeping next to me, or in a spirit I'll raise eventually as part of my eternal family. But no matter what we have been blessed beyond what we probably deserve.
Emma Claire, is my beautiful rainbow, and even though the storm changed me, I wouldn't wish to take it back. Where it got me is far too important.
