I have a lot of thoughts in my head right now, a lot of thoughts too big to be thinking about at almost midnight on a Saturday night, but I can't help but wonder. I wonder who I would be today if I hadn't decided to go where I did for college, if I hadn't decided to move away from Cedar City 5 years ago. How many things about my life and who I have become would be different? I miss Cedar, I won't deny that. I miss the little things. I miss the late night chats with Jake, laughing about my mom and her silly quirks. I miss sharing a room with Sarah and having her read me the news of the weird and her making me play life all the time. I miss waking up to the sound of my dad cooking on the weekends and talking to him while everyone else was still in bed, or just sitting with him even if we didn't talk. I miss getting to see my dog everyday. I miss feeling like no matter how hard things got, I could always go home and there would be warmth and love and family, and without fail, someone teasing me for being ridiculous. Yes, I miss that life sometimes and sometimes I regret that fact that I chose to leave it. That I was so ready to get out at that point, that I couldn't wait to get away.
But then again, in so many other ways, I don't regret it...As much as I love that sleepy little town that made me into the person that I was, I think I found myself in Salt Lake, found myself in a way I couldn't in Cedar City, Cedar made me into who I was, but Salt Lake made me into who I am. And don't get me wrong, I love my life now too. I love my husband, and I have just as much feeling of love and warmth in my apartment now as I did in my home back then, and I love being in pharmacy school, I love working in pharmacy, I love the life I living, but there is a part of me who is torn. A part of me that feels an insane amount of jealously for those who didn't accomplish the things that I have, but instead got married and now stay at home with their kids all the time. The whirlwind of the life I have chosen excites me, and makes me feel alive, and I feel that I am thriving in the difficulties of making it through this crazy rush of things, but there is a small corner of who I was, a small corner of that girl who used to sit in the kitchen on Saturday mornings with my dad, that misses the slow beauty there is to life to.
So, I guess I don't know what I'm saying. I guess you should be happy where you are at, because you can never have everything. But you can come pretty close. You can have the exciting life of accomplishment while getting a Doctorate degree, and you can also have the amazing husband who holds you while you sleep and takes care of things so you don't have to and creates a wonderful atmosphere of love to come home to. And I guess I'm saying that family is important, so don't take them for granted, because really, the people we love and care about are the only thing that really matters. And I guess I'm saying that I shouldn't stay up so late night after night because I become way to philosophical when really my life is good and even though I will always be homesick a little at times, I chose the life I wanted and the life that made me into the best me I could have become. I chose the life I was supposed to live, and I may always wonder who I would have been had I choose differently, but really, that doesn't matter, I will never know that person, but there person I know now is still a good one.
